I am not a professional at anything but jerking it 8 days a week, so I suppose that makes me eligible to review what I can only describe to be the greatest invention since the wheel. Being one of those weirdos who isn’t a huge fan of the Fleshlight brand already makes me an outcast, but add to it the fact that I had been attempting to make my own sex toy and you’ve got the perfect storm for social disaster. However, you also have the ideal candidate for a review because I don’t really have much going on these days and I live to empty my balls into whatever hole will have me.
Back when I was a kid, crafting a cum catcher out of my sock didn’t seem like a bad idea. Now that I’m a grown ass man, however, I have no business attempting to please my penis with anything but the finest sex toys on the market. Having been privy to some of the best snatch on the planet up to this point, homemade fuck wands just don’t do the trick anymore. And if they’re still getting you off after everything that’s been invented, then you need some serious help, my friend.
Listen, I was also hyper-skeptical about the value of these high-priced sex toys that seem to inundate the industry. Like you, I felt as though I could fashion my own products out of common household goods and get the same result. Shit, there are plenty websites out there that demonstrate how to do it, and it’s sure as hell cheaper than the alternative. But, at the end of the day, slamming my Johnson into a hollowed-out potato just didn’t have the same appeal as stuffing the muff of a scientifically-designed dick juicer. Call me a romantic.
So, as luck would have it, I ran across this newly fangled toy called the Fleshlight Launch. At first, I didn’t even want to know what all it did because I knew from the jump I probably couldn’t afford it. The days of self-made masturbators were looking better with every click of my mouse until I discovered that the Launch was in a league of its own. You can’t even call this thing a “masturbator,” or a “blow job machine” for that matter. The Launch is a serious sex toy, designed for cum connoisseurs who aren’t afraid to make an investment in their depravity.
After a little deliberation with my cheap side, I clicked purchase and waited for it to arrive on my doorstep. They said it would come in an unmarked box and it did, so now my nosey neighbors think I’m either a covert drug dealer or that I get adult diapers shipped to my house. I suppose that’s better than them knowing I’m inside jerking it profusely to mental images of their daughters. Meanwhile, I’ve done my best to take notes on the experience, even with sticky hands – leaving no stone unturned and never afraid to ask the tough questions.
What Is the Hands Free Fleshlight/Kiiroo Launch?
The infamous Fleshlight brand has spared no expense on this bad boy – a high-tech collaboration with the somewhat popular Kiiroo brand. Although Kiiroo has been on the sex toy scene for quite some time now, it isn’t as well-known as Fleshlight for several reasons. Their toys aren’t as imaginative, for one thing, and their craftsmanship sometimes reminds me of the not-so-good ole days of self-pleasure. Nevertheless, these two industry giants have teamed up to give the world a taste of what the future of fucking might look like, and I love where this is headed.
Up until now, mortal man had to rely solely on his hand, the mouth of a willing victim, a manually-propelled synthetic vagina, or a poorly made “automatic” blowjob machine to get the kind of nut he deserved. And, while most of those options will do just fine in a pinch, most dudes longed for more. I know I did, whether I was ready to admit it or not. Having heard our perverted prayers, the gods of good sex harkened the call to create what I am going to do my very best to describe.
If you don’t know what I mean when I say that the Fleshlight Launch is an “automatic blowjob rocket” then you have been living under a sex-sock rock for too long and we can no longer be friends. Just in case you’re wondering, though, that means this toy is a self-propelled cock sucker that gyrates at variable speeds and intensity levels, as per its many bells and whistles. Not a big fan of the high-tech shit? Neither was I. Toys like that just seem to get in the way of a good time. However, the user-friendliness of the Launch is what got my attention first.
Although it has several moving parts and there is some minor assembly required, a trained monkey could use the Launch without failure. Almost as if the designers knew we would all be cum-dumb during operation, their design simplifies sexy time by utilizing the key components of ergonomics. In other words: the interface is super easy to use, the buttons are well-placed, and the options are simple to scroll through. I could have used a little more cow bell (a.ka. more power), but that’s because I’m a spoiled asshole.
I go hard on the penis, which may or may not be why my dick felt desensitized by the unit after a couple uses. Then again, that could be because I u
sed the same exact Fleshlight model for every session, even though I knew those things were interchangeable. Yes, the Launch allows you to slide in your own Fleshlight fuck stick at leisure, making it a seriously customizable product. The only problem is, especially for dudes who haven’t spent much money on masturbators, that each Fleshlight costs around $70. (The good news is that you can buy extra sleeves for cheaper and just swap shit up that way without having to spring for a whole new device.)
FLESHLIGHT LAUNCH PROMOTIONAL VIDEO
The Launch simply houses the Fleshlight masturbator of your choosing and then performs a number of dickly tricks using its pre-programmed interface. It takes that mushy manual masturbator out of your exhausted hands and turns it into a rod-gobbling robot that doesn’t quit. If that’s not enough to make the average Joe throw his money at it, I don’t know what is. Furthermore, it can do what no other blowjob machine on the market can do, but we will get into that shit next. For now, all you need to know is that the Launch makes homemade sex toys look like desperate attempts of fucking futility (pun intended).
What’s the Big Deal?
Despite the relatively big price tag (at least compared to the cost of most DIY toys, not including the cost of your dignity), the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch is still a big player in the sex toy industry. Obviously designed with lazy gluttons in mind, this toy allows the user to expend no unnecessary energy on unimportant things like humping and pumping. So, the big deal is that it does all the work for you.
This fully automated miracle of modern machinery can be connected to its brand-sponsored online database as well. The library features a shit ton of virtual reality and POV porn content for you to peruse at your leisure. There are videos, games, and live or pre-recorded webcam sessions available around the clock. Best of all, it’s synched up without any wires via Bluetooth, so don’t trip. See what I did there? You’re welcome.
Keep in mind that, without a solid connection, you may experience some dick-defying downtime like I did. It wasn’t fun at all; I’ll be honest. Turns out, my equipment needed updated and upgraded beforehand and, in my initial excitement, I failed to check for compatibility. Sounds like the story of my life. I suggest taking care of technicalities like that before lubing up or else you may not get to experience the full shebang. The operative word here is “Bluetooth,” not “Blue balls.”
It may be a little on the expensive side to my DIY brethren, but it’s a pretty big deal in the industry right now and I can certainly see why. The affiliation with quality shit like FeelMe.com raised more than just my interests, especially since I have been jerking it to that site’s content since its inception. The difference was that the Launch allowed me to take my pick of porn and enjoy it in real time, using a fully automated, hand-picked masturbator that was made by one of the top names in sex toys. Take my money!
How Does It Compare to Similar Products? Is It The Top Dog On The Market?
Like me, you might be saying at this point, “Alight, but there are a bunch of things like this out there. How is the Launch any different?” With products such as The AutoBlow 2, The SayberX, and Kiiroo’s super popular Onyx/Pearl lineup, it would take a team of pro-penis scientists to compare. Enter the Fleshlight-Kiiroo love child and now we’re talkin’.
Fleshlight Launch VS The AutoBlow 2
The famous AutoBlow2 is a remake of the original, and its legendary smooth operation makes for an “automatically” good time. It has several speed, tightness, length, and intensity settings, but that’s where the customizations end. Unlike the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch, the AutoBlow has but one sleeve texture to choose from, not to mention it looks like an ugly ass medical device, smells like a dusty chemistry set, sounds like a broken lawnmower, and costs about as much (if not more) than a couple quality BJs from a willing hooker.
WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER: The Launch breaks the mold here because it can be hooked up with internet-based porn content and will then freely gyrate to the beat of your chosen drum. The AutoBlow 2 can’t do that on its best day and it needs to be plugged into the wall to work, which is why we don’t think it compares to the Launch at all.
Fleshlight Launch VS The SayberX
I had the pleasure of enjoying the SayberX one time with a partner and it wasn’t a bad little toy – sturdy, sexy, and oh-so powerful. There were at least half a dozen settings and it could be connected with another SayberX via Bluetooth to feel the other user’s real-time body movements. However, that’s about the extent of things. So, when one person is worn out, the party is pretty much over. I didn’t even mention that there’s a size cut-off on the SayberX. Need I mention more for you guys to get the point?
WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER: Unless you feel like masturbating with only your mediocre cock and your lackadaisical imagination to stimulate you, the SayberX is not a good option. I, for one, prefer a little visual aid when I’m jerking it, and the Launch provides that and more. Plus, I didn’t have to find a willing partner to enjoy myself, and that’s the whole damn point of using an automatic sex toy in the first place.
Fleshlight Launch VS The Kiiroo Onyx 2
The Kiiroo Onyx/Pearl lineup is the only automatic blowjob machine that comes anywhere close to the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch, but that didn’t surprise me and it shouldn’t shock you either. Obviously, these two masturbation masters know what people want. The Onyx (for men) and the Pearl (for women) are both designed to connect to the exclusive Kiiroo online database for instant access to interactive porn content (organized by position, porn star, and interest).
Compatible with Oculus Rift, the Onyx/Pearl features two operating modes (fully automatic and manual) plus a powerfully precise motor which drives a series of 10 pleasure rings that are wrapped by some seriously swanky, skin-like material. It can even be programmed to record your partner’s internal muscle contractions for a hyper-realistic experience. The downsides? It’s only comfortable for average-to-moderate-sized penises (9.5 inches max), the porn content is severely limited, and it sounds like a jet engine when it’s running on full power.
WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER: Again, the Fleshlight Launch wins the race this time around because of its unique ability to work wiener wonders without cords or a willing partner – as the Onyx/Pearl requires another similar device to get the full effect (and it doesn’t allow users to enjoy fucking a real porn star either).
Overall, the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch out performs the competition 3:1. Not only does it make other automatic blowjob machines its bitch, but it also looks good doing it. Inside its durable, futuristic casing lies a whole host of sexy settings that kept my head spinning.
What Else Can I Do With The Launch?
I can’t call this a real review if I didn’t talk about the design and operation specifics of the Launch, so here goes nothing.
I’m no sex-scientist, but whoever invented this thing certainly is. I can’t even program an alarm clock, but somehow, I managed to get the most out of this toy thanks to its concise instruction booklet. While some other manufacturers offer little more than crudely drawn pictures to guide the way, the Fleshlight/Kiiroo duo used their words like big boys and girls.
This high-tech toy blows my DIY shit out of the water, through the ballpark, and into the next solar system. It’s pretty much compatible with everything in the Fleshlight and Kiiroo inventories, including the Onyx/Pearl lineup and The Fleshlight Girls Collection.
I tried it with the Fleshlight STU (Stamina Training Unit) just to see how much of a man I was. Let’s just say I’m a one-minute man with a 30-minute attitude. Needless to say, the STU/Launch combo was a favorite of mine (and also something I only do to pre-game it before a long night).
The Launch, regardless of your chosen innards, is a fine and faithful servant, requiring no internet connection to do its thang. It features two distinct operating modes (Manual and Interactive), meaning you can bang it out to some killer VR porn content or rely on your own perverted mind while enjoying a plethora of fantastic shapes, colors, textures, and experiences. I like to think of it as a candy store for my cock.
Furthermore, the Launch-pad is capable for handling some major weight, with an internal capacity of 12.75 inches. Unfortunately, you don’t actually fuck the Launch itself. You simply insert your favorite compatible sex toy and let technology do the rest. The designers even took the minimalist approach to creating the Launch’s easy-to-use, one-touch buttons on the side, made for quick switching through the various settings (length and speed of the stroke), even in mid-stroke. Oh, what a time to be alive!
TIP: For those of you who are too poor or lazy for a PC, the Fleshlight Launch is compatible with your smartphone too. On-the-go virtual fuck fests: there’s an app for that.
So, What’s the Catch?
I’ll admit that I started out as a skeptical newbie in love with the idea of inexpensive DIY sex toys, but now I am sounding like a cheerleader for Kiiroo and Fleshlight. No Bueno. So, I’ve dug into the recesses of my mind to fathom some qualms I had with the greatest thing since sliced bread just to make you thirsty bitches happy. I hope you’re proud of yourselves:
- Some Assembly Required – Unfortunately, you’ll have to put your Launch together before each use. However, I didn’t find it too difficult to do so with the help of the instructions.
- Tick-Tock – It takes about 9 hours for the initial charge and about 5-6 hours for each charge after that. But, just like mama used to say, “Failing to plan is planning to fail.” Don’t be a loser.
- Boxing Champ – There is no storage box included with the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch. It’s a good thing this toy is sleek and streamlined so that it fits in most closets and dresser drawers.
- Does Not Compute – If you get the Launch near any kind of moisture (besides the lube), you could be in some serious trouble. This thing is compatible with a lot of things, but your bathtub is not one of them.
- Lemme Upgrade Ya – There are several frequent updates that must be made to the operating system of the Launch and/or to its reception of any new online porn content. Some of these can take a while; some don’t. Luckily, you can still use the toy even if there are pending updates. Just don’t let it get too backed up or the shit won’t work right.
- Feel the Burn – This high-powered rocket gets a little warm from time to time, especially when it has been running on full blast for a while. Take it easy, champ.
- Slow Learner – I found a slight delay in the Launch-pad controls. It’s not a huge problem, and certainly not a deal breaker, but it can pique someone’s curiosity about the quality of the Launch if they don’t know what to expect. You have been warned.
- The Word Is “Bluetooth” – Once, I experienced the hell that is the red LED indicator light coming on mid-orgasm. It was warning me of a long, lost Bluetooth connection, and it was followed by lagging porn content and a confused motherboard. I’ll never be the same again.
Basically, the Fleshlight Launch is a bitch for completely avoidable reasons. If you’re a patient and responsible owner (and if you follow the instructions carefully after updating your PC or smartphone), you shouldn’t have a problem enjoying all that this high-tech machine can offer. In other words, the future of fucking is in our feeble hands.
Why Is It Worth My Money?
For such a futuristic fuck fest as this, I was surprised by the $200 price tag after I started to think about it. Despite its somewhat minor flaws, a quick $270-$300 can afford you a long-term investment in some of the most intense sex of your life (with or without a partner or porn). The Launch is fully automated, just like its predecessors, only it’s capable of so much more. They grow up so fast!
This toy gave me the opportunity to use my VR goggles for more than binge watching corny 3D movies in my underwear. The specially encoded content was broadcast onto the screen, and every thrust was perfectly duplicated by the video. Let me break it down for you this way:
- Well Mannered – The Launch is compatible with so many different masturbators that I can’t even list them all here. Moreover, it works with nearly all modern VR goggles and gets along great with the entire FeelMe.com website.
- Speedy Gonzalez – Although it has a variety of speed controls, this motherfucker can pump at a record-braking 180 strokes per minute. That’s 3 strokes per second for you drop outs.
- Genie in a Bottle – This toy features what’s known as “teledildonic” connectivity – a fancy way of saying you can fuck horny strangers in real-time whether they have their own Launch device or not.
- Hush Little Baby – For such a powerful machine as this, it’s as quiet as a mouse fart. Compared to other mechanized sex toys, the Launch is by far the most silent (minus the sexy squishing sound produced by the suction).
- Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board – The Launch may look like a hefty beast, but don’t let appearances deceive you. It’s surprisingly lightweight and can be easily stored away for a rainy day.
- The Strong, Silent Type – The Bluetooth connectivity is strong despite the limitations of modern technological devices. I used my smartphone a lot and had no issues whatsoever. However, my PC acted like a bitch until I updated it properly.
- Skin So Soft – The entire thing is comprised of nothing but skin-safe materials, none of which contain any latex or phthalates. The same thing goes for the whole Fleshlight and Kiiroo inventories. That rash on your balls is from something else. Probably that melon you were just fucking.
- Try a Little Tenderness – Taking care of your toy is key. The makers of the Launch took that into consideration, making their specimen easy to clean using industry standard ergonomics and simple common sense.
- TIP: Try using a little bit of that Toy Renewal Powder and FleshWash offered by the manufacturer, just to keep your penis palace cleaned up and ready for the ball(s).
- No Strings Attached – Both Fleshlight and Kiiroo are willing to break of the engagement if anything bad should happen within the first year. Now that’s a prenup I can get behind.
- Ground Control to Major Tom – Shit got a little too intense for me, especially when I was still using the Fleshlight STU to make a point. Luckily, I was able to press the power button for a quick shut-off before I blew my load prematurely.
What’s more, nobody has to know you use this thing. Not only is the shipping process beyond discrete, but the website is as well. All your dirty laundry is kept hidden away with protected passwords and content encryption. It won’t even show up in your search history with the right settings in place. Trust me; I would know.
As for it being worth the money, I would have to agree at this point. Once an avid promoter of self-made sex servants, I have since wandered down the wayward path towards self-driven, scientifically developed, multi-faceted fuckery and there’s no turning back.
How Does It Measure Up?
According to all known comparisons, the Fleshlight Launch measures up in ways that are much bigger than its somewhat off-putting size. For new toy noobs, this thing looks kind of scary. I get that. But imagine sitting down with your feet up and your hands resting behind your head, getting a fantastic blowjob that’s different every single time – tailored to your unique specifications using specially designed sleeve textures and literally thousands of free porn videos and webcam sessions. Top it all off with some 3D visuals using a pair of VR goggles and the real world no longer exists. Show me one DIY sex toy that can do that.
The Launch does have its limitations, however. For instance, it can only house full-sized Fleshlight masturbators (at least for now). Its battery needs to be recharged after each use, and it requires access to the modern-day power grid. So, if you’re living like a damn dirty hippie in the mountains trying to jerk it to some high-tech debauchery, you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle, sir. Enjoy your socks and potatoes, douchebag.
Maybe I’m coming off a bit too confident here, or maybe I can just recognize a good thing when I see it. Most full-sized Fleshlight models can handle a giant Johnson, and the Launch can handle any full-sized Fleshlight toy. I think they may be on to something here. Call me a skeptic . . .
What Will They Think of Next?
After falling head over heels in love with my toy, I revisited the manufacturer’s website to look for add-ons, accessories, and that sort of thing. Now, I use the Sleeve Warmer damn near every time I hit lift-off on my Launch. It makes a world of difference during a uniquely simulated experience and, since it’s not very expensive at all, I would highly suggest it.
You’ll want to pick up some water-based lube while you’re at it. This is not the kind of toy you want to use without it. Both Kiiroo and Fleshlight are notorious for handing out samples to their faithful customers, but you’ll get nothing of the sort with the Launch. Inside the relatively mundane looking container (I appreciated that subtle aspect, actually) are only the following 5 items:
- The Fleshlight Launch powered by Kiiroo (well, duh)
- An authenticity card for activating the 1-year limited manufacturer’s warranty
- The appropriate charging implement – a universal USB cable
- A system setup manual (don’t throw it away)
- A toy instruction manual (I repeat. . .)
Simplicity wages war on complexity with the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch, that’s for damn sure. I can’t fathom how the manufacturers could make this union any more streamlined and sexy. There’s a limit to the magic, right?
Then again, you’re talking to a former believer in the inherent quality of homemade sex toys. I used to seriously think they were just as good as this fine shit right here. I had to be out of my ever-loving mind.
For what it’s worth, I’m glad I finally bit the bullet and made an investment in myself for once. Big ticket items are never my favorite things to purchase, so it usually takes me a while to come around. This is especially true when we’re talking about buying secretive, non-essential, somewhat creepily perverted sex machines. At the same time, that sounds sexy as all get out to me.
WHERE TO BUY FLESHLIGHT LAUNCH ONLINE:
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The Last Word
Being prepared for the inevitable is one of the main lessons I learned from my experience with the Fleshlight Kiiroo Launch. Before all this, my biggest problems were getting a good fit and finding an acceptable texture. I sure am glad I grew the fuck up and joined the Big Leagues. Now my biggest problems are finding the time to use my Launch again and explaining to people why I’ve been in the house for so long. My friends still give me shit about my DIY days, most of them now envious of my sudden perverted prowess.
And while I’m not sure if Fleshlight or Kiiroo plan to introduce a new and improved Launch to the market anytime soon, I’ll be sure to keep my eyes peeled for it. I’m sure I’ll be the first in line when/if it’s released – cock and credit card in hand, mind open, and potatoes in the pot where they belong. After all, what good is your dick or money when you can’t use either of them to pleasure yourself? Back away from your pervy Pinterest page and follow me to the (Flesh)light.