In a land filled with sexy toys for girls and boys, there’s only one type that gets everyone’s attention: the prostate massager. While prostate stimulation is mainly a man’s game, the ladies can have fun with it too. Giving your dude a sultry shock to the ass is always a party, but using shoddy toys can be a real downer. And since there are so many massagers on the market these days, a little bit of knowledge about what’s out there goes quite a long way.
Granted, you could just go to your local triple-X toy store and grab the first thing you find on the shelves, but then you run the risk of bringing home something shitty. Why not save yourself the embarrassment? Just like buying a new car or dating a new lover, being picky is very important. However, since prostate massaging has been considered taboo for such a long time, few people know what to look for and thus they end up with a device that’s little more than a vibrating piece of shit.
The buck stops here, ladies and gentlemen. Gone are the days of trial and error, replaced now by the days of intelligent purchasing. Well-made prostate massagers can revolutionize your time in the sack. They can bring you closer to your lover, increase arousal, and take you to pleasurable places you never dreamed possible. On the other hand, cheap or poorly made prostate products can ruin your opinion before it’s fully formed. Don’t let that shit happen to you; check out this buying guide prior to spending any of your money.
What Is a Prostate Massager?
A prostate massager is a device that’s inserted into the ass in such a way that it touches the prostate gland causing maximum pleasure. Some of them vibrate, some of them do not. The functionality of each device is meant to be customized to the user’s liking, but it’s tough to know what you like if you’ve never used one.
Fortunately, prostate massagers come in several shapes and sizes, giving beginners a place to start and experts a place to stay. In my opinion, the smaller massagers are ideal for people who have not had the pleasure before, although some men prefer the shock of a hearty stick even on their first attempt. Many of the devices available on the modern market are shaped similarly, but there’s always an exception to the rule.
Generally, prostate massagers are shaped like shafts or bulbous eggs, with several different types of safety features, touch-sensitive functions, and even perineum stimulators. Giving rise to a new type of sensation, prostate massagers are designed to improve your Pound Town experience by bringing the kink back to the bedroom in a safe, effective, and (usually) hypoallergenic way. Still, it’s important to check out the specific features of each one to determine whether it’s right for your bum or not.
Why It’s Important to Be Picky
Considering that not all prostate massagers are created equally, being choosey about the one you buy is the first step towards sexual success. Unfortunately, some people give more thought as to what they’ll eat for dinner than what they’ll shove up their ass. That’s not only sad, it can also be dangerous.
In a perfect world, all prostate massagers would be made from allergy-free materials, but that’s just not the case. Furthermore, some of the functionality features are lacking on many models. Battery life, convenience of design, and ergonomics are huge concerns as well. Bottom line: this is not a perfect world, so it’s of paramount importance to be as picky as possible when it comes to this kind of thing. But, you don’t need me to tell you that, do you?
The Top 10 Features to Look For
What you really need is a generalized guideline to help you get the most bang for your buck. Once you’ve decided that a prostate massager is something you’d like to try, there’s really nothing that can stop you. But before you get too excited about what you’re about to experience, consider the following:
Yes, shoving something silky up your ass to tickle your prostate is probably going to feel amazing regardless of what device you pick to do it with, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all give you the same sensation. The point of a prostate massager is to make you jizz from the inside out, and not all products will get the job done. The efficacy of the device is vital, so keep that in mind or you’ll be sorry (and sore).
- Intelligence of Design
Ergonomics is a pretty big deal these days, with modern science coming up with some pretty remarkable shit that’s specifically designed to contour to the shape of the human body. Men’s colons are as unique as snowflakes, so there’s no one-size-fits-all prostate massager anywhere. However, some of the devices on the market are more suitable for the average Joe’s asshole, while others are so generic that they seldom do anything noteworthy. And while it’s damn near impossible to know the twists, turns, and texture of your own anus, you should be able to imagine what a prostate massager will feel like based on its well-appointed curves.
It doesn’t matter what any of your past lovers have told you, size is important; so important, in fact, that disregarding the girth of a prostate massager can land you in hot water. A device that’s too small could render less than pleasing results or worse, get sucked up into your ass. On the other hand, a device that’s too big could be very painful during insertion or worse, it could get stuck in your ass. Nobody wants that shit, so buyer beware.
Considering all the abuse your chosen prostate massager is likely to sustain, it’s critical that the device is made to withstand repetitive use. While your willingness to perform general maintenance is imperative to the longevity and integrity of the machine, a well-made massager will be able to take a licking and keep on ticking. Some manufacturers even offer warranties with their products, so be sure to keep your eyes peeled. You’ll be glad you did.
The material with which your favorite prostate massager is made of matters even more that its size. In fact, a device comprised of the wrong shit can wreak havoc on your sensitive butt skin. Go for something made from medical-grade silicone, stainless steel, or polycarbonate to avoid an embarrassing rash. Stay away from latex toys or devices with potentially harmful phthalates. Even if you don’t think you’re allergic to anything, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Trust me.
The overall design of the device you choose will determine how much you enjoy using it. While some of the prostate massagers out there are smooth and without much shape, others feature several bulbous curves and textures, perineum stimulators, or convenient handles. Depending on how you intend to use yours (either alone or with a partner), the design will make a huge difference in your experience.
- Function Features
Do you want something that remains stationary, or do you prefer a prostate massager that vibrates, gyrates, or both? There’s something out there for every walk of life, so take your time choosing. Some of the best models even come with remote controls or Bluetooth compatibility. When it comes to tickling your tight end, the sky’s the limit. Pay attention.
- User Friendliness
If you’re looking to use your prostate massager with any sort of regularity, the user-friendliness is essential, especially when you plan to enjoy it with a partner. Nobody wants to be mid-orgasm and have to stop and check the instruction manual. Keep it simple, stupid, or pay the price at the most inopportune time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Not the most important factor but still worth considering is the appearance of the massager you pick. Because you’re likely to use it with someone else, having a prostate stimulating device that looks like a cheap piece of shit is not good for your image. While many of the most popular models appear moderately attractive, some of them look lame as hell. Think about what you want and go for it, even if it’s freaky by every else’s standards.
Last but not least is the price tag on the device you want. Keep in mind that you get what you pay for, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ripped off either. In general, the average prostate massager costs between $50 and $150, but there are always some that break the mold. Consider it an investment in pleasure and go for the gold.
Our Top 5 Prostate Picks
With all those fabulously fuck-worthy features in mind, there ends up being only a handful of prostate massagers that fit the bill. Without further ado, here are the top 5 on the market today:
- The Aneros Vice
This heavy-duty machine is made from surgical stainless steel, so you know it’s a bad motherfucker. It vibrates at 9 different speeds, allowing you to fully customize your experience. Furthermore, it features an external flare with a squishy P-tab meant to stimulate the perineum while it gently (or forcefully) tantalizes the prostate. It’s ideal for hands-free fun but can be used with a partner as well, with expertly designed ergonomics suited perfectly for male anatomy.
- The Nexus Revo Stealth
With only 6 different vibrating functions you’d think this device was less enjoyable than its multi-function counterparts, but that’s where you’re wrong. This crazy son of a bitch actually features a unique rotating shaft that’s hooked up to a wireless remote control which works as far as 15 meters away. Perhaps best of all, it’s super quiet when in use (even on the highest setting), and it has that perineum stimulator that most men love.
- The LELO Hugo
If you’re looking for a sexy surprise, this the massager for you. Featuring movement-activated SenseMotion technology and dual motors for twice the vibration power, the Lelo Hugo is ideal for discreet debauchery. With a handy-dandy wireless remote control and up to 120-minutes of continual battery life, most of the men who use this son of a bitch fall in love with it after just one use (and so do their perverted partners).
- The LELO Loki Wave
Luxurious is an understatement when describing this marvel of modern technology. Its ergonomically correct design features plenty of curves and the flared body that’s required to prevent slippage. Moreover, it gives off this hot ass wave motion while it vibrates at 6 distinct speeds, and each of those speed settings has its own customizable intensity. It also comes with a convenient storage pouch unlike many of the others on this list, so nobody has to know how much of a freak you are unless you want them to.
- The LELO Billy
Smooth, safe, and sensual, this particular prostate massager features a silky soft body made of hypoallergenic silicone and even has a safety lock on it to prevent unwanted action. It’s very quiet when in use and features 5 individual vibration settings that allow for customized pleasure. Ideal for solo artists, it’s still a good choice for couple’s play. And since it’s super tiny, this toy is perfect for on-the-go gratuity if you know what I mean.
Yes, there are lots of prostate massagers to choose from. No, these aren’t the only ones. However, the professionals among you agree that the 5 toys listed here are basically the only ones worth paying attention to. The reason being because all the others tend to imitate what’s found here without being as appealing. But, suit yourself. After all, it’s about getting off as hard as you can.
Prostate Massager Tips and Tricks
Using a prostate stimulating device is relatively simple, but as is the case with everything on the market, there’s always that one dumbass who fucks it up for everyone else. With that said, here are a few tips and tricks designed to be a sort of disclaimer to help you get the most out of your magnificent machine:
- Don’t Be Dirty in the Wrong Way
Make sure you clean your device properly after each use. It’s been close to fecal matter and shouldn’t be used twice without a good wipe down with warm soap and water. Check you owner’s manual for specific maintenance instructions.
- Keep It Put Away
Properly storing your prostate massager will help to keep it intact despite how much you abuse it. Not only that, but it will prevent the wrong people from knowing your dirty little secrets.
- Check the Power Source
All these prostate massagers operate differently – some with rechargeable batteries and others with USB cables. Either way, checking the battery life or power source is a good idea (because being forced to stop in the middle of cumming isn’t fun for anybody).
- Lube It Up
Be sure to use a high-quality, water-based anal lube with any prostate massager you choose or else you could experience some uncomfortable chaffing, not to mention have a hard time getting the son of a bitch out of your ass. NOTE: Some of the devices on this list come with a free sample packet of lube.
- Start Small
Nobody is going to give you an award for taking a huge prostate massager up the rear-end if you’re not ready. Know your limits so you can have the most pleasurable experience possible. Start small and work your way up to the big leagues with no shame in your game.
- Play with It
Try out all the device’s settings before settling. You never know the heights you could be taken to without experimenting. You know what they say: Don’t knock it before you try it.
The Last Word
Looking for a great prostate massager without being able to test it out can be frustrating; nobody is going to argue with you about that. The closest you’ll ever get to being about to “try before you buy” is reading a comprehensive buyer’s guide like this one. Hopefully, it does you justice. If not, then go fuck yourself; I tried.
You can always go back to simply sticking a finger up your ass to reach that sweet spot, but I wouldn’t suggest it. Prostate massagers are a safe and effective way to quickly and efficiently amp up your sex life without harming the delicate interior of your colon. Best of all, they’re relatively inexpensive and are made by some of the biggest names in the sex toy industry.
When you find the right one, you’ll be glad you did your homework before spending any money. A well-made device can change your perspective on what’s possible in the bedroom. Furthermore, it can increase your freaky fortitude without damaging your self-esteem. Sounds like a good plan if you ask me (and you did).