Got Tired Of Your Sock? Get Yourself a Top Pocket Pussy!

Who doesn’t enjoy using a well-made pocket pussy from time to time? If you’re one of those noobs who’s still chasing over the real thing, you’re gonna learn today. Thanks to the sexually deviant innovations made by the most perverted scientists in the industry, we’ve got a job reviewing pocket pussies for life. And, since things just keeping better, we never plan to retire.

With that being said, there are literally thousands of pocket pussies and handheld masturbators on the market today. However, as with everything that can be purchased with cash or credit card, some options are better than others. So, for those of you looking for the best masturbatory experience money can buy, we’ve compiled a list of the best (as we see it). Trust us, we get around.

The Victims

Below is a list of our favorite fuck sticks, complete with the price guide and our handy-dandy rating (based on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest). These toys are not listed in any particular order because, quite frankly, we don’t have that kind of time when there are so many sexy things to review. And if we have to tell you to thoroughly clean your toy after every use, then you don’t deserve to own any of the following magically delicious pussies:

The Fleshlight Collection – OUR RATING: 9.5/10

BEST FEATURE: The intensity of the patented SuperSkin sleeve textures.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too many models to choose from.(LOL)

Anyone who hasn’t heard of the Fleshlight brand must have been raised by wolves or living under a rock for the last decade. This high-end sex toy company churns out masturbation masterpieces by the millions, including their top-of-the-line collection of Fleshlight Girls products – a complete line of pristinely sculpted pussies, each molded to resemble its famous porn star model.

Fleshlight offers a throbbing array of pussy power, making it one of the most popular brands in the industry. According to our team of “ejaculatory experts,” the toy’s magic touch comes from its patented SuperSkin material, although the average toy’s weight distribution was kind of off-putting to some of us. Having done a few pushups and checked out the rest of the Fleshlight stash, we give the plethora of sleeve textures, orifices, and operation options very high marks. And for a luxury sex toy with a starting price of only $70, you sort of look like virgin if you don’t have one.

We must mention that using this bad boy without any lube is a very bad idea, regardless of what model you choose. With a build-your-own Fleshlight option and free water-based lubricant samples coming with most of their toys, you really don’t have an excuse for the rugburn on your dick. You might want to get that checked out.

The TENGA Deep Throat – OUR RATING: 7/10

BEST FEATURE: Feels like a serpentine tongue on your dick if you do it right.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too expensive to buy as many as you’ll probably need.

We won’t deny that our initial excitement about the TENGA Deep Throat cup was due to its descriptive nomenclature. We don’t know any man walking this Earth that doesn’t appreciate some good head. Unfortunately, talking someone into slobbing on your nob is often harder than it sounds. Luckily, pocket-sized blowjobs are being crafted by the thousands at your local TENGA factory, so you can go ahead and kiss that non-dick-sucking bitch of yours goodbye.

Almost like a condom flipped inside out, the sensations of the Deep Throat by TENGA is peculiar but perverse. With a lining that is thin, flexible, ribbed, and discrete, the directions say it’s only good for one use. However, the $15 price tag says you can afford it to be dispensable. P.S. That means we don’t suggest cleaning it out and enjoying it on a rainy day. These things are designed like throw-away contact lenses, and you’re not impressing anybody by being a cheap ass.

That said, these tiny masturbatory miracles are tantalizingly textured in varying patterns based on your unique tastes, and each one features a small hole on the top to mitigate the suction power. Great for solo play, they really shine when used for an incognito hand job with a willing partner (especially someone who’s not afraid to jerk you off under the table in front of your boss). For a moderately-priced, disposable sex toy, we’d say the TENGA Deep Throat is worth a second glance at least.

The Fleshlight Quick Shot Boost – OUR RATING: 7.5/10

BEST FEATURE: Makes nutting a group activity.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too messy when you finally get off.

I think we can all agree that our post-cum cleanup obligations are for the birds. Half the appeal of some of the most popular sex toys is that they’re the perfect apparatus for quick, one-the-go nut-busting. But when you have to carry around a synthetic pussy filled with your own baby batter, things start to get weird. Wouldn’t it be nice to ejaculate without having to make a follow-up note on your to-do list? Our friends at Fleshlight have thought of everything (besides where you’re going to blow your load now that the cum catcher is missing).

Just when we start to get upset by the lack of a cure for cancer, modern science comes out with something like this – a handheld masturbation station that’s open on both ends while still carrying some of the properties of a full-sized Fleshlight. While both ends feel about the same on the dick and the opening’s tightness leaves something to be desired (especially on smaller cocks), the Quick Shot Boost certainly serves its speedy purpose.

For a toy coming in at just under $70, this toy is a worthy addition to your self-rape repertoire, even if it has a few flaws. As with any sex toy on the market, a little planning goes a long way. However, due to the Quick Shot Boost’s open-ended attitude, it tends to last quite a bit longer than its enclosed predecessors. From where we’re standing, that makes this toy an investment.

TENGA Eggs – OUR RATING: 8/10

BEST FEATURE: Very convenient and makes a great gift.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too much texture in such a small space can create acute dick desensitization.

The TENGA Eggs are not exactly “pocket pussies,” but they sure as hell compete with the best of them. These little suckers (pun totally intended) are super discrete and feel like heaven on a hard-on. Depending on where you get them, they can range in price from $5 to $10, but even that’s cheaper than anything on the market to date, you fucking tight wad.

Inside each of the tiny egg-shaped cases is a dick-hugging masturbatory sleeve that’s textured in various patterns according to the product’s theme – aptly named based on the texture’s unique curves, bumps, and ridges (Thunder, Misty, and Crater, you do the math). For something that’s not technically a pocket pussy, it fits nicely into anyone’s pocket or purse and is far superior to the standard hand job.

The toy comes with its own little packet of water-based lube too, so you automatically have everything you need to get the party started no matter where you are. The egg is also the perfect accompaniment to a nice corona massage, which is how we would suggest using it anyway. While the toy’s basic design theory is genius, we wouldn’t mind seeing a little work done to the overall durability of this thing. This is another disposable cock tickler as well, so don’t get too attached to it.

The Bad Dragon Werewolf Muzzle – OUR RATING: 8.75/10

BEST FEATURE: Terrific addition to a role playing fantasy or a holiday-inspired rendezvous.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too much of an acquired taste for some guys.

Ok, if the name of this son of a bitch doesn’t catch your attention then nothing we’re about to say will come close. The Werewolf Muzzle by the Bad Dragon brand is totally something we’ve never seen before. Don’t get it twisted though, that doesn’t mean we immediately loved it. We put this cock sucker through the ringer just like everything else, especially since it costed us a hefty $130.

While the famous Fleshlight brand recently released their “Freaks” lineup, we can’t help but wonder if they weren’t copying off of Bad Dragon’s “out there” inventory. Featuring hundreds of unique designs, medical-grade crafting materials, and plenty of customization options, these toys fetch a higher price because they’re more lightweight, come in a variety of fun colors, and provide a swift kick in the pants (literally).

Keep in mind that this masturbator is designed to look like a werewolf is about to devour your dick, so prepare yourself for a wild ride before you drop your drawers. With a surprisingly realistic-feeling material and a superbly textured inner lining, the lack of suction control didn’t hurt our feelings as much as it should have. Use lube with this thing as well, and keep in mind it’s not disposable. You perverts know what to do.

The TENGA Flip Hole – OUR RATING: 7/10

BEST FEATURE: Excellent choice for pleasure partners who enjoy gentle domination.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too intense for novice dicks.

The TENGA Flip Hole has a name that reminds us of our high school bathrooms, but we digress. Far more sophisticated than any man-made glory hole, this fuck biscuit is one-of-a-kind in several ways. With a special type of polymer-infused, skin-like material and a “cum cap” to catch your load, this sweet sucker is good at home and on the go.

This shit has three different pressure settings controlled by the touch of a button which is housed on the side of the hard, plastic casing. Inside rests a soft and inviting inner lining that is minimally textured. The reason for the toy’s simplicity: Its self-propelled suction is where all the magic happens. In other words, the Flip Hole can flip your lid without all the fancy sleeves and customizations. There is some assembly required though, but you don’t have to have a degree in engineering or anything.

Depending on where you get yours, the price tag will vary by about $25, starting at $50. We suggest buying up as much water-based lube as you can or else this hard hitter might rip your dick off. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart and is perfect for couples and solo artists as well. Just don’t be stingy with it because after a while it can desensitize the penis and make nutting much more difficult.

The Machine Gun Masturbator – OUR RATING: 8/10

BEST FEATURE: It’s the strong, silent type: super discrete and hella powerful.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too expensive for cheapskates, too cheap for luxury lovers.

As far as we can tell, the makers of the Machine Gun Masturbator collection like it rough. We can’t blame them because we like it that way too, which is probably why we ended up featuring this toy on our coveted list. You see, the Machine Gun is a clandestine masturbator that comes in a model for both men and women (hole or pole, respectively). It looks like a bottle, fucks at full throttle, and just so happens to be one of the most expensive products in this review.

But before you let that turn you off, consider this: The Machine Gun is an automatic sex slave for whomever deems it worthy. With a rechargeable battery hooked up to its irresponsibly powerful motor, it’s not difficult to see why a lot of people are willing to pay good money for this thing. If you buy the whole kit and caboodle, it will run you about $230. The attachments are sold separately as well, just in case you ever break up with you lover and have to cop a new one.

Made out of high-grade ABS silicone that’s completely skin-safe, the Machine Gun is a whole lot of safe, sexy fun if it’s used right. How in the hell could you use it wrong? By not opting for plenty of lube, that’s how. Although it can slide and glide using only bodily fluids, this bad son of a bitch works wonders when it’s nice and wet. What doesn’t?

The Blewit – OUR RATING: 6.5/10

BEST FEATURE: It sucks, and we mean that it in the best way possible.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too trendy for serious pleasure seekers.

Don’t let the pretty packaging and vibrantly colored casing fool you; the attractive Blewit is not as amazing as it’s advertised to be. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a quick, convenient, and otherwise mandatory release, this is the way to do. Costing only about $50 no matter where you shop, this somewhat lackadaisical toy is still fitting for pleasure-seeking newbies or folks who just want to rub one out before bed.

The opening is kind of generic, at least when compared to other models like the Fleshlight Girls and TENGA Eggs. However, this pretty little pocket puss is marketed as a “stamina trainer” and a “performance enhancer” because of the variable pressure rings that control the tightness of the grip. While making adjustments mid-stroke is not a possibility, experimenting with your dick’s determination with each pass is always a party.

The beautiful Blewit features a flip cap that helps control suction as well, but all these moving parts start to make us feel nauseous after a while. Although you won’t need a degree to figure this thing out, you’ll certainly need the instructions and that could lead to an awkward situation in a hurry. Thankfully, cleaning is somewhat easy and the entire shebang is rather durable. All-in-all, it’s not a bad toy to have shoved in your underwear drawer for a rainy day.

The Cobra Libre II – OUR RATING: 8.5/10

BEST FEATURE: It makes the head of your penis feel like a million bucks.

BIGGEST FLAW: Too messy unless used in water.

This mistakenly named “pocket pussy” is not a thrusting toy at all, but rather it is a high-tech corona stimulator that goes right for the gold without delay. There are numerous different vibe patterns to choose from, so don’t be shy. It might feel a little crazy at first, but you’ll get used to it. For a sex toy that closely resembles an electric shaver and costs only $130, you better warm up to the idea.

Did we mention that this thing is waterproof? We mean fully submersible in the tub, shower, pool, or hot tub. Just be sure to charge the shit before you invite the neighbors, because the battery life it’s much to speak of and the toy will shut the party down quicker than 40 going West.

Another disclaimer: we didn’t notice any spot for our victorious nut. Thank fuck the Cobra Libre II can be cleaned easily. It can also be used with or without lube, but we always suggest a moist beginning. Mind the buttons on the side with slippery hands; they’re hard to maneuver. Maybe it’s best if you use this with a partner for a while until you get the hang of it.

How to Choose from Our List

Picking out a pocket pussy or handheld masturbator is never easy, especially with the likes of us telling you what’s good and what’s not. Trust your own instincts, because you know your dick better than we do. In the meantime, peep these 6 short and sweet buying guidelines to help you choose the right happy ending:

  1. Material

Find something that actually feels real to you, not just something that’s advertised with a “realistic” material. Silicone (TPE or TPR) is your best bet, but don’t be afraid to experiment a tad. Just try to stay away from toys made from anything referred to as “jelly,” as those materials tend to be chemically laden and harsh on the genitals. OUCH!

  1. Texture

Texture is important, but there are literally thousands of options out there. If you allow yourself to get bogged down by the choices, you’ll never make a decision. Keep in mind that the toy’s texture, albeit pleasurable, is only a small part of the erectile equation. Start with something simple and let your dick tell YOU what it wants.

  1. Customizations

Not all toys are going to have a shit ton of bells and whistles for your picky dicks. You’ve got to learn how to pick your battles if you ever hope to find something that gives you a solid nut every time. Besides, if you were any good at this you wouldn’t need a myriad of customizable options, now would you?

  1. Endowment Issues

We know we’re only speaking to a small portion of the population here, but if you have an enormous Johnson, get the fuck off this page. No seriously, big dicked sons of bitches need love too, which is why we suggest double checking the size accommodation on every toy before you buy it. Even you skinny-cocked assholes out there: be vigilant. Some of these fall out of the “one size fits all” category.

  1. Price

Don’t be so quick to get your panties in a wad over the price of the toy. Keep in mind that it’s designed to do the job of 4 hookers and 3 baby mamas with energy to spare. A good pocket pussy or handheld masturbating unit can open up world of opportunity for you in the bedroom (or the kitchen, or on an airplane, or in the car, or…), so don’t be a cheap ass when it comes to doing something for yourself. High-end sex toys are usually worth every penny, able to do what most skanks only dream of.

  1. Clean Up

Some materials (especially TPE and TPR) are highly porous and need cleaned quite often, even when they haven’t been used for a while. With that said, clean up should be a breeze if the shit is designed right. Beware of toys with “cum catchers” and “nut caps” because your baby batter can get caught in the nooks and crannies. We suggest springing for some toy cleaner and a little preservation powder (if available) just to protect your investment.

About 

John James is an Internet Entrepreneur living in Sacramento, California. When he's not doing Internet Marketing, he enjoys blogging, sports, and healthy vegan lifestyle. Find out more about him on the About us page.

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