News: Farewell to the King of the Crotch Grab

MJ.jpgNews broke earlier today that one of the icons of our time, Michael Jackson, has passed away, after suffering an apparent cardiac arrest at home.

While the world mourns a musical legend and cable news loops video clips of his career, we’d like to spotlight a different aspect of the King of Pop’s legacy: how his work celebrated both the joy and pain of self-love.

The Crotch Grab – MJ just couldn’t keep his hands off his junk. Any chronic ‘bator can relate to that.

The Glove – Who knows what the glove was really about? Splotchy skin? Whatever. But we can think of one good reason to wear a single glove – to keep your dominant hand smooth and supple for stroking.

Beat It
– It’s too obvious. But no, you say, It’s not about that kind of beating. Yeah, OK, it’s about gang fights. But come on – it’s a song with a propulsive, throbbing rhythm, repeating several dozen times a popular term for masturbation. Even if it doesn’t mean anything, it still means something.

Check out the video, where we see Michael at the beginning, lying alone on his bed. The vid
culminates in a vaguely homoerotic knife fight/dance off – circle jerk, perhaps? The moral of the tale? Don’t go out and get in gang fights, kids; be safe, stay home and beat off.

The Panther Dance – This infamous sequence was edited out of MTV’s version of the video for Black or White, after complaints from concerned mothers that it was too suggestive. We’d call it more than that.

Michael stands bracing himself as the wind picks up, blowing his clothes back against his body. What’s that? It looks like he has a boner. Another gust of wind. Yes, there is definitely something sticking up in his pants. MJ gets down Fred Astaire style, then after a few quick passing swipes at his crotch, he grabs hold of his package full on and jerks it in an up and down motion for a few seconds. Some folks interpreted this as him fiddling with his zipper, but it’s pretty clear what he’s actually fiddling with.

In the Closet – We’re not even going to comment on this song’s title. That’s another issue altogether. But there’s nothing surreptitious about this song’s lyrics. They get right to the point:
It’s just desire
I really love it
‘Cause if it’s aching
You have to rub it

You Really Got a Hold on Me – This song is addressed to a lover, but you could just as easily sing it to your right hand, and it would make perfect sense:
You really got a hold on me
You really got a hold on me, yeah
I love you and all I want you to do is hold me,
Hold me, hold me.

Man in the Mirror
I’ve been the victim of a selfish
Kind of love.

Those words sum up so well the loneliness and narcissism of a chronic masturbator. This song reaches out to those isolated by their addiction, telling them there is hope: You know/You’ve got to stop it…You got to not let yourself.”

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