Getting a great blowjob is about as easy as getting a truck out of the mud, so when I started hearing about these new “automatic blowjob machines” I naturally had to know more. Most of the time, the only lip service I get is a bunch of complaints from my lover about headaches, numb jaws, and gag reflexes. I, for one, think it’s time for the madness to stop.
It used to be cool for me to jerk off in my room, but as a grown ass man, those days are long gone. Having tried my fair share of sex toys (including a couple from the Kiiroo brand), I knew that taking my chances on the Onyx 2 wouldn’t do me any harm. At the very least, it would end up collecting dust like all the other toys in my stash. Either way it ended up, I was damn near certain this thing was going to be a winner for the simple fact that it was willing to give me head on demand.
That’s not to say I haven’t ever gotten an authentic blowjob. In fact, I’m what you might call a connoisseur. I’ve also tried some of the other self-driven masturbation machines that are currently on the marker, and I have to admit that the Kiiroo Onyx 2 is probably the best thing out there right now.
What Is the Kiiroo Onyx 2?
This little magic machine is perhaps the sleekest and most compact male sex toy in the industry, not to mention it’s super sexy and ultra-lightweight. The Onyx 2 is a remake of the heavier original which was, in all fairness, just as amazing as its replacement. Having sustained minimal yet critical improvements, the updated version of Kiiroo’s finest fuck stick has been receiving rave reviews.
Perhaps the positive feedback can be attributed to the onslaught of fuckable features on this thing. First of all, it’s completely automatic (which means “hands-free” fun for everyone). The powerful motor provides a heavy-handed yet smooth thrust with every pulse, adaptable to your tastes using the ergonomically designed speed controls. The Onyx 2, just like its predecessor, is also compatible with other Kiiroo’s devices, as well we with the female version of the toy, the Pearl.
Furthermore, the entire Kiiroo lineup is made to connect with the brand’s exclusive online porno database – a freebie when you register your toy on their website. You can even register through an app on your phone, which doubles as a remote control and as your porn-watching sub-station. The Onyx 2 is made for both Mr. Solo Dolo and Mr. Party Pants, that’s the best way to describe it.
Kiiroo Onyx 2 Introductional Video
What’s the Big Deal?
Unique for contemporary couple’s play, the Kiiroo Onyx 2 creates a bridge between lovers – even those at great distances. I had to deal with my mate being out of town for 8 weeks on account of a sick family member. If it weren’t for this toy, we might not be together today. When temptation hits, it’s difficult to remain faithful without some sort of release. The big deal is that the Onyx provides a safe outlet that can be either private or interactive.
Because it’s compatible with VR headsets such as Oculus rift, experiencing the predictable slide of the 10 pleasure rings remains pleasantly surprising even after extended use. I could control the content I was watching based on the model/porn star on camera, his/her position during play time, and their sexual interests or talents. Due to the ultra-realistic skin-like material of the sleeve insert (which, by the way, is pretty easy to remove and clean), the complete 3D virtual reality package comes to life as long as there’s plenty of lube.
A few more things before I move on to my product comparisons: The Onyx 2 is programmable, first of all. Did you hear what I said? It’s able to be programmed to record the real-time movements of your partner. So, not only can you fuck them from afar once, but you can also go back and relive the moment again and again. Furthermore, it’s compatible with the Fleshlight’s new Launch – a revolutionary, mechanized sex toy holder that we’ll talk more about later. If you ask me, that’s an enormous resume for a compact masturbator that only accommodates penises up to 9.5 inches.
How Does It Compare to Similar Models?
It’s not that there are a shit ton of gargantuan toys out there, especially not for men. I mean, most of the time, the popular toys are designed for average Joes anyway. The Kiiroo brand is famous for doing just that, although the Onyx 2 seems to be slightly larger without being cumbersome. The same could be said about its sister, the lady’s Pearl. Both toys are relatively decent in size, weight distribution, power strength, and battery life, albeit the Onyx 2 being the stronger performer of the two.
Aside from its familial competition, I couldn’t help myself but to compare it to a few of the other automatic blowjob machines that have happened to cross my path over the last few years. With that said, here is how I thought the Onyx 2 by Kiiroo measured up:
- VS the AutoBlow 2
Just looking at these two side-by-side, it’s obvious which one is the better sex toy. The AutoBlow 2, albeit a serious contender in the sensations department, is lacking in appearance and performance when compared to the Onyx 2. The AutoBlow 2 can’t sync with Bluetooth, doesn’t do much in terms of long-distance couple’s play, and won’t let you have a virtual reality liaison with a model or porn star. It is, however, a nice toy to have laying around for those days when you feel like less is more.
- VS the SayberX
Th SayberX may very well be the closest thing to the Onyx 2 on the market to date. It’s similarly sleek and efficient, handheld and remote-controlled, powerful and well-made. The SayberX features numerous speed settings and some pretty amazing material on the sleeve, but it neither has downloadable porn content nor features any special connectivity with other toys or accessories. As a stand-alone sex toy, this one is a reliable and durable mainstay. However, when it gets compared to the Kiiroo Onyx 2, it doesn’t hold a candle.
- VS the Launch
The only toy in my humble comparison to give the Onyx 2 a real run for its money was the Fleshlight
Launch – an insanely high-tech piece of mechanized marvelousness that syncs to Bluetooth, hooks up to VR goggles of all sorts, houses all kinds of Fleshlight and Kiiroo brand toys, features a self-driven mode with several customizable settings, and can go fully automatic for a hands-free extravaganza.
The only thing that the Onyx 2 has on the Launch is that it’s far more compact and can handle some serious wear-and-tear. Still, the Onyx 2 needs a little guidance while the Launch works without any supervision; the Onyx 2 makes that telltale sound while the Launch never kisses and tells. Both can handle long-distance love-making and the two also work in tandem with one another, so I actually recommend a package deal here if you know what’s good for you.
What’s the Catch? – CONS
Well, I should be the first to break it to you: This son of a bitch sounds like a lawnmower when you turn it on to full power. The porn content is somewhat limited based on my experience, and the customer service for the site leaves much to be desired. There aren’t many “real” porn stars in the brand’s exclusive content library either, which isn’t too bad considering that many of their models are top-notch, hot and bothered, and ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Some of the content isn’t free, however, so just keep in mind that the Onyx 2 was initially designed for long-distance couple’s play, not virtual reality fantasy fulfillment. Although it does link up easily with most Bluetooth compatible devices, frequent updates are required to keep everything working smoothly. And trust me; you’ll want to take the time for every update available, or else you could end up “buffering” in the worst way possible.
Why Is It Worth My Money? – PROS
At first, I was afraid; I was petrified – kept thinking I could never live with something priced so high. Then I got used to the revolutionary design of this toy and I stopped being a scared little bitch about advanced technology. We’ve all been joking with the boys for years about how cool it would be to do “this” or “that” with our dicks, partners, and strangers. Now is the time to embrace the intimate innovations that modern science has given us. The future is now; that’s why it’s worth your money.
You don’t want to say you were the last dumbass to throw a couple hundred dollars at a machine that sucked your dick for you, do you? When everyone else is sitting pretty in their living rooms waxing it to VR porn, you’ll be jizzing into an old sock before crying yourself to sleep. Try to remember that the sleeve can be removed and used on the Fleshlight sleeve warmer to make shit even more realistic. I’m just saying. . .I’m not only a fuckaholic, I’m also a psychic.
Need more proof? There are several well-appointed attachments available for the Onyx 2 (and for all the Kiiroo brand toys for that matter). More accurately referred to as an “all-inclusive” sex machine, this toy’s manufacturer offers either a “Couple’s Play Set” or a “Solo Play Kit” add-on when you buy it. Intelligently designed and easy to maneuver, this beast requires only a few hours (4-5) of charge before yankin’ your crank and only about an hour of charge every time thereafter. Not bad for a machine that runs on cum.
Here’s what you get for your money:
- The Kiiroo Onyx 2
- A micro-USB charging cable
- A sturdy storage container
- An authentication card, with a promo code for free shit
- An online user’s manual guidebook
- A sample of some water-based lubricant to get you started
I should also mention something that even I didn’t realize until way late in the game. The sleeve of the Onyx 2 is reversible. It can be turned inside out to reveal a whole new texture; can you believe that shit? I don’t know why nobody told me, but I’m telling you. That’s like getting two toys for the price of one.
WHERE TO BUY KIIROO ONYX 2:
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Apply this code at the official Kiiroo Onyx 2 website and enjoy an instant 15% sitewide discount code on your order.
The Last Word
DISCLAIMER: Zero fucks were given in the making of this review on the Kiiroo Onyx 2 automatic blowjob machine. I don’t give a shit if they sell a single unit. I care about cumming, plain and simple. If you know what the fuck I’m talking about, trust me when I say that this bastard is well worth the money, even if you never buy a single accessory.
Innovative and versatile, the newest invention from the Kiiroo brand took me by surprise. At first glance, it looks more inconspicuous than the relatively well-known yet still somehow discreet Fleshlight design. In fact, I hear that most people who have tried a Fleshlight and an Onyx say that both are the tits, with the two feeling relatively similar and even interchangeable when used with the Launch. It’s safe to say that there’s already a fan following with this little fucker.
In my experience, any new or innovative toy to reach the market ends up being fraught with minor design flaws. It seems, however, that the Kiiroo brand has taken every effort to weed those out with their new and improved model. Although the original and the updated versions look, feel, and operate quite similarly, the subtle changes can be felt mind-stroke when that super-smooth motor goes full throttle. It will be interesting to see if the manufacturer introduces an Onyx 3 to the market. If so, I’ll be there to keep it real with you motherfuckers again. You can get more information or buy Kiiroo Onyx 2 at their official website.