You’d think certain items wouldn’t need a warning label that says “Not for rectal insertion”. Like light bulbs, or mayonnaise jars. Nevertheless, too many people get injured in sexual misadventures with common household objects. For example, that unfortunate couple who made headlines when the homemade sex-machine they fashioned from a dildo and a saber saw caused serious internal injuries. To save everyone discomfort, embarrassment, and a trip to the ER, here’s a list of a few things you should never use as homemade sex toys.
“Sucked Off” Should Just Be a Figure of Speech
That beckoning hose so enticing with the promise of the ultimate suck job. But a vacuum can do horrific damage, especially if it forms a seal around your junk. While it’s unlikely to hoover your cock off entirely, it may suck the skin off like a sausage casing. Many vacuum-related injuries are also caused by inserting the penis directly into the body of the vacuum, where it gets pulled into the fan blades or beater brushes.
Recycle Your Bottles – But Not as Sex Toys
Bottles, glasses, jars, test tubes, light bulbs, thermometers, Grandma’s crystal bud vase – all bad ideas. They can break, they can chip, they can get stuck all the way up your ass. Don’t stick your penis into a glass container, either. Ever suck on a bottle and get it stuck on your tongue? That can happen to your cock. Ceramics and porcelain go on the banned list for the same reasons.
They’ll Stick to Your Ribs
Never anally insert magnetic objects or anything containing a magnet that could dislodge and get loose. If multiple magnets are floating around in your colon, they can stick to each other and cause intestinal blockages or perforations that could be life-threatening. Kids have died from ingesting magnetic toy parts, so there’s good reason to think sticking them in the other end could have the same result.
Feel the Burn
A lot of people learn about this hazard the hard way, when they decide to spice things up by using Ben-Gay or hot sauce as lube to wank off. That pleasurable tingling quickly turns into slow burn that turns into a blistering rash and hours of agony. Even seemingly mild slippery substances like shampoo or dish soap can cause genital irritation. Also, don’t insert any bottles that contain harsh chemicals or scented products like deodorant, in case they leak or have residue on them.
What Would Your Shop Teacher Say?
Tools are not toys – especially not sex toys. Power tools are great for DIY home improvement – DIY sex toys, not so much. Please, do not try to convert your power drill into a sex machine by jamming a dildo over the bit. And don’t put a belt sander on your pubes. It only takes a second for a tragedy to occur. A very embarrassing tragedy.
Your Vagina Is Not a Balloon
If you’re just using it to blow up your sex doll, fine. But don’t stick the nozzle in your own holes. Besides the risk of exploding your colon, blowing air forcefully into the vagina or rectum can cause an embolism, an air bubble in the blood stream that can result in death.
Where’d the Rest of The Hot Dog Go?
Bananas, carrots, cucumbers, and sausages are all popular DIY dildos, but with any food item there’s a possibility that part of it could break off in your vagina or rectum and get stuck. For that reason, and for hygienic reasons as well, it’s best to put a condom over the item. Food items are not recommended for anal insertion in general. Once a lubed cucumber disappears up your butt, it can be difficult to get out.
Inserting Your Cock May Void the Warranty
You won’t do much damage with an electric toothbrush, but electric mixers, blenders, ice crushers, rotary fans, etc. are trouble (see the section on Power Tools). Don’t use anything that can heat up, like a curling iron or a lava lamp. Plug it in for a few seconds to “warm it up” and you could end up cooking your cooter.
Pieces of Wood
One Word: Splinters
Don’t use anything wooden, including mop handles, toilet plunger handles, wooden hairbrushes, pepper mills, wooden spoons, chair legs, and baseball bats. Even if it’s polished or varnished, the finish can chip or rub off, exposing the raw wood underneath.
Avoid Unintentional Piercings
Also chopsticks, pencils or pens, and basically anything with a point on it. Sharp objects can cause tissue damage and perforation when inserted. A surprising number of people derive pleasure from inserting long, thin objects into their urethras. This is very dangerous and can result in bladder injuries and urinary infections. And like Mom always said, you could put out an eye.