Setting out to find the best hands-free masturbator on the market is a huge undertaking. With so many options out there, discovering the perfect plaything feels impossible. Fortunately, it’s not as complicated as you’re making it. But what’s new?
It only takes a little determination, if not some due diligence to discover a sex toy that gets the job done. Most of the time, however, you’ll end up spending a boatload of cash regardless of what you buy. So, do yourself a favor and use some common sense so you don’t end up wasting your hard-earned money on a piece of shit device that doesn’t do what you want it to do.
In the market for a good hands-free masturbator but don’t know where to start? You’re not alone. According to my experience, most dudes have no clue what to get and just sort of wing it until they discover something worthwhile. If you want to keep doing things like that, then be my guest. But if you’re ready for some serious self-sex that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, read on.
School Is in Session: Types Of Handsfree Masturbators For Men
It’s important to study your options before spending your money because there are tons of unscrupulous manufacturers out there just waiting to steal your stash. So, although homework is bullshit, you can’t really get around it this time. Your only other option is to aimlessly peruse the internet in your spare time, anxiously searching the various websites to compare features and prices. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Instead of going through that mess, why not check out this handy-dandy hands-free masturbator buying guide to get the most bang for your buck, Chuck? I promise that by the end of all this you’ll be ready to buy a dick-a-licious device with cocky confidence:
- Know What You’re Up Against
You may be good at beating your own meat but that doesn’t automatically make you an expert on hands-free fun. Knowing what one is certainly helps matters, plus it doesn’t hurt to understand the subtle differences between an auto-masturbator and a blowjob machine. While they both may look and even function similarly, each one will provide completely unique sensations.
Here is a concise breakdown describing what I’m talking about:
- Blowjob Machines
For the most part, blowjob machines are designed to be automatic, but that’s not always the case. Furthermore, BJ machines are made to simulate the sensations of oral sex, not just hardcore fucking. Twisting, slurping and tickling the cock and balls are all par for the course, not to mention various suction levels and control methods that are (usually) customizable to the user. Many models come equipped with visually-striking orifices as well – openings that resemble plush lips and skilled tongues.
- Automatic Masturbators
Auto-masturbators are slightly different in the way they operate, but the pleasure derived is often just as intense. By jerking you off without requiring the slightest bit of manpower, these high-tech devices feature canals with various textures, each of which is designed to mimic the physiology of a vagina or anus. Sometimes called “sex simulators,” these toys are made to resemble the look and feel of genitals instead of mouths.
I told you the differences were subtle, but if I didn’t bother mentioning them then some of you guys would have ended up purchasing the wrong shit. I’m not trying to make enemies here. I consider this a public service announcement. And my mother said I’d never be of use to anybody. I sure showed her.
- Consider the Cost
While price may not be the most important factor, some guys place much importance on it because they prefer not to waste money. One thing to remember when looking for automatic blowjob machines or auto-strokers: they’re usually not cheap. The good news is that some of them come with lube samples and/or cleaning products included. However, that’s typically only the case with the big-name manufacturers who can afford to give shit away for free.
Look for sales and discounts wherever you can. While some manufacturers offer incentives when you shop from their official site, it’s possible to snag some terrific deals through a third-party vendor if you’ve got the hook-up. Here are some of the best discount codes and coupons for your favorite sex swag.
- Check It Out
Before you start throwing your money around like you’ve got it like that, take the time to get to know a little bit more about the various features available. It pays to know what your options are. Limit the amount of bullshit you encounter by never judging a book by its cover. Still, check out the device’s box, brand name and bravado because those things matter whether we like it or not.
For your convenience, I’ve listed the top five things you should look at when hunting down a good hands-free, electric sex toy:
- The Materials with Which It’s Made
Pay close attention to the kinds of materials used by a toy’s maker. Not only does every material feel unique but some might actually cause skin irritations and/or allergic reactions. If you can afford it, always go for medical-grade or skin-safe silicone, as it’s the safest material for all skin types and can be used with water-based lubricants.
You’ll likely find a bunch of latex, polycarbonate and TPE-based devices out there too. Steer clear of the materials which contain phthalates though; everyone knows that shit is poison. This is an especially important observation to make on flexible toys because phthalates are often used by the maker to enhance a product’s softness.
- The Texture of Its Canal
They say it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but the surface of your sex toys is critical. We’re talking about the texture of your masturbator’s canal here – the bumps, the bulges, the nodules, the knobs. It all matters and it should all be considered with care. Meanwhile, look for things like removeable sleeves, interchangeable canals, and extreme or specialized accessories that work to further enhance your experience.
As a general rule, the more complex the texture the better it feels. However, that’s not the case for all men. Every dick is delicately unique, so get to know yourself before selecting a toy because of its texture. Some may make you ejaculate quicker than others. Then again, some may feel like teeth scraping down the shaft of your penis. Whatever it takes, don’t be the idiot who buys a toy because it looks good only to find out later that it’s a piece of shit.
- The Functionality of It
Crank-yanking takes a lot out of a man, so finding a good automatic masturbator or blowjob machine is important. Such devices improve the quality of his life and enhance the ease with which he pleasures himself. In other words, the functionality of a sex toy is crucial. Whether the toy is manual or automatic makes a big difference.
Bear in mind that some toys are a little bit of both – manual and automatic. Hybrid devices pump automatically but require manual adjustments to the suction power via various modes. While it may seem inconvenient, such features increase customization variables tremendously and can be a lot of fun when you learn to use them right.
NOTE: A toy’s functionality also plays a big role in whether it can be used during couple’s play.
- The Bells and Whistles
Speaking of functionality, you have to go a step further to get a true view of a toy’s worth. While it may be highly texturized and/or hybridized, a device’s features may be terrible. What good is an automatic masturbator or blowjob machine with a sweet canal if you don’t know how to use it?
The variety of features available on the modern-day market is ridiculous, especially in the hands-free stroker category. High-tech and high-quality, the cream of the crop offers things like:
- Virtual reality porn content
- VR goggle compatibility
- Bluetooth connectivity
- Pulsating and/or undulating vibe patterns
- Some can be synced to music
- SenseMotion Technology
- Programmable speed and/or vibe settings
- Adjustable suction panels
- Remote control
- Rechargeable batteries
- Downloadable apps for smart devices
Indeed, the male sex toy industry has finally caught up with the times. While most toys don’t offer every bell and whistle on that list, some of them do. You heard me; it’s now possible to have it all (if you know where to look and have enough dough).
- The Size Penis It Can Accommodate
No matter what anyone tells you, the size of your dick matters more than most people realize. This is especially true when it comes to the sex toys you use. Manual and automatic masturbators come in all shapes and sizes, so proceed with caution. Keep in mind that the total size of your device is not the same as the insertable length or circumference.
The insertable length of your toy determines how far into it you can thrust without bottoming out. Some toys are designed for strictly corona stimulation, while others are good for a whole-shaft rub-down. Depending on what you want, the relative size of the device will be important.
After considering everything listed above, finding the ideal masturbator or blowjob machine should be easier than ever. If it’s not, I’m sorry. My mother said I’d never be of use to anyone.
10 Things the Manufacturer Never Tells You About Automatic No Hands Male Masturbators
One thing I can do is warn you about the little tricks manufacturers and marketers use to discombobulate the unsuspecting consumer, especially the horny one with an open wallet. Vulnerable as you and your cock may be, it’s vital that you both understand the following things. Below are the top 10 facts that auto-blow and auto-stroke makers don’t want you to know:
- When using a toy with Bluetooth or virtual reality compatibility, the right VR goggles are mandatory and the connection quality of your Bluetooth is imperative to the experience you have (or don’t have).
- So far, programmable speed settings are only available on automatic blowjob machines.
- Although a toy with several vibe settings may bode well in a marketing campaign, such a feature doesn’t jive with auto-blow machines because it significantly reduces the realism.
- Motion sensing technology (SenseMotion) has a habit of turning machines on/off based on what would otherwise be considered a natural body movement – not cool when you finally found your rhythm.
- Being able to sync to music is a neat feature, but only if the tunes are on point. Furthermore, fast masturbation may require you to listen to shitty music and that could ruin the mood with a quickness.
- Adjustable suction panels are a nice touch but they all operate differently, with some being much easier to use than others. Furthermore, they all require hand strength, coordination and will power, but lazy masturbation is typically favored above manual anything.
- Remote controls come in both wired and wireless form, so buyer beware. Even if the toy itself is rechargeable, you may still have to purchase batteries to operate the controls.
- Downloadable apps are only worth fucking with if you have a decent smart device and a reliable internet connection or plenty of data.
- Rechargeable or not, the power source of your toy is an important feature that seldom gets mentioned in a clever marketing campaign. Check to see whether yours is electric or battery operated.
- NOTE: Most battery-operated masturbators take large numbers of batteries and drain the power quickly.
- Many masturbators and blowjob machines are compatible with other toys and/or accessories, even outside their own brand.
The Last Word
Who said you can’t have a good time while looking for your next sex toy? Masturbation is blast, and shopping for one can be too. But before you swipe your credit card or empty your bank account, memorize the information found here so you can properly empty your balls. Nobody is going to scrutinize your decision but they might scrutinize your logic if you don’t use your resources.