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10 Questionable Valentine’s Sex Toy Gifts

Buying your sweetheart a sexy toy for Valentine’s can be fun and romantic – as long as you don’t buy the wrong thing. Here are a few “don’ts” to help you avoid a V-Day disaster.

1. Heart-Shaped Anal Beads

heartbeads2.jpgHearts are romantic. Unless they’re going into your butt.


2. Oral Sex Mints
oralmints2.jpgNumbs the gag reflex while it freshens your breath. The passive-aggressive way of telling your mate, “I want you to blow me like a porn-star. And by the way, you have halitosis.”


3. Anal Balloon Pump

balloon2.jpg
Your sweetheart wants a balloon bouquet, not a balloon in the tuckus.


4. Jawbreaker Ball Gag
jawbreaker1.jpgStick to a box of those chalky Valentine hearts.


5. Chocolate Clone-a-Pussy
chocopussy2.jpgNo, nimrod – you’re supposed to get her a box of chocolates, not a kit to make her box into a chocolate bar.


6. Thigh Exerciser Sex Machine
thighmaster2.jpgAgain, as a gift, this sends the wrong message, i.e., “You have thunder thighs.”


7. Mighty Merlin Dagger Dildo
merlin2.jpgIt’s exactly what it looks like: an electric cattle prod.


8. Joy Finger
finger2.jpgThis would be more appropriate for a Halloween party than a Valentine’s date.


9. Vibrating Pleasure Periscope
periscope2.jpgArrgh, matey – G-spot off the starboard bow!


10. Glass Heart Butt Plug
glassheart2.jpg“Oh, a beautiful crystal wine stopper. Wait, it goes where?”

Fun With Food: Cucumbers

cuke.jpg

Millions of women (and men) have already discovered the cucumber’s potential as a dildo. In fact, it’s hard to pick one up in the produce aisle without thinking something dirty. But some guys have found another use for the cool cuke: a handheld masturbation sleeve.

You’ll need a cucumber that is nice and thick, about two inches in diameter, and at least a couple of inches longer than your dick. At the height of the season, you shouldn’t have trouble finding a large one. Needless to say, you should pass over the expensive (and too slender) cellophane-wrapped English cukes.

Cut both ends off the cucumber. At one end, be sure to expose the full thickness of the cucumber’s flesh. Dig into it with a spoon and/or knife, and hollow out the seeds and interior. You’ll need to cut away just enough of the inner wall that you can slide your cock in. You want to keep it tight, and you want the cucumber walls to hold up. It doesn’t have to be perfectly smooth inside. Some ridging on the interior can add interesting texture.

You can tunnel straight through so both ends of the cuke are open. We suggest keeping the opening at the far end narrower, so you can block it off with your fingers or palm for more suction on the out-stroke.

Warm the cuke to body temperature by immersing it in hot water. You could pop it in the microwave, but for something this small, we recommend water submersion instead. Nuking it for even a few seconds could make it hot enough to burn you, or cook it and make it unusable.

Slide into your cucumber’s naturally slippery juices, or lube it up with a squirt of vegetable oil, and enjoy the salad days of summer.
 

New Tiger Toys Have Major Wood

tigerwoods.jpgRight about on schedule, following the revelation of his extramarital dalliances and subsequent public apology, Tiger Woods has joined Sarah Palin among the ranks of celebrities immortalized as sex dolls.

Pipedreams has come out with a complete line of Tiger Woods sex toy products, including the Tuggin’ Tiger Wind-Up, the Take-Home Tiger Love Doll , and the Tiger’s Wood Cover 4-inch condom – complete with the requisite wood, iron, and hole jokes.

Well, given how Tiger’s sexcapades have damaged his professional career, at least he still has *some* options left for product endorsements. We’re waiting for Viagra to pick him up as a pitchman sometime soon.

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

You know what they say about imitation. However, “flattered” doesn’t completely describe the feeling you get when you see someone else selling a dead ringer for one of your creations.

thighmasters.jpg

On the left you see our Thigh Exerciser Sex Toy, which we posted in January 2008 (see our writeup on Gizmodo). On the right is the Uniram Sex Machine, which we just discovered the other day, but which seems to have come out sometime in mid-2009.

Granted, we can’t claim that our idea was wholly original. Others have combined exercise equipment and sex toys, such as this “Personal Exercise System” that we included in our feature on Sex Toy Patents.

exercise.jpgMaybe we should have filed a patent for our device, but we’re not in the business of producing toys for mass consumption. We’re here to show you how to make your own and save money.

So go get yourself a ThighMaster off of eBay, a $10 vibrator, and some random nuts and bolts, and check our how-to. There – you just saved $150. You’re welcome.

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

You know what they say about imitation. However, “flattered” doesn’t completely describe the feeling you get when you see someone else selling a dead ringer for one of your creations.

thighmasters.jpg

On the left you see our Thigh Exerciser Sex Toy, which we posted in January 2008 (see our writeup on Gizmodo). On the right is the Uniram Sex Machine, which we just discovered the other day, but which seems to have come out sometime in mid-2009.

Granted, we can’t claim that our idea was wholly original. Others have combined exercise equipment and sex toys, such as this “Personal Exercise System” that we included in our feature on Sex Toy Patents.

exercise.jpgMaybe we should have filed a patent for our device, but we’re not in the business of producing toys for mass consumption. We’re here to show you how to make your own and save money.

So go get yourself a ThighMaster off of eBay, a $10 vibrator, and some random nuts and bolts, and check our how-to. There – you just saved $150. You’re welcome.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

ducksoap.jpgI saw a new sex toy today – a vibrator imbedded in a bar of soap. It got me thinking – first about our own soap masturbation toy, then about things people do in the bathroom.

Besides the bedroom, the bathroom is probably the next most popular room of the house for having sex and/or masturbating. It makes sense – some people can’t get privacy anywhere else, you’re usually at least partly undressed in there, and the running water makes for easy clean-up or disposal of evidence. And if you have a shower massager, sometimes the water is the best way to get off.

The other benefit of the bathroom is a ready supply of slippery substances to use as lubricants. But just because that lotion is safe to rub on your hands, it doesn’t mean it won’t irritate your johnson if you use it to jerk off.  Here are a few guideline for using toiletries as improvised lubricants.

For male masturbation:

  • Lotion is popular, but the fragrances may irritate your genitals, so use unscented if possible. If you do use scented lotion, wash it off afterwards.
  • Don’t use your Axe body wash. Your junk will smell great, but your dick may get irritated and dry. Same goes for deodorant soaps, scented soaps, and shampoos.
  • Use at your own risk: toothpaste, Vicks, Gold Bond powder. It might seem exciting, but jerking off with Ben-Gay or Icy Hot will put you in a world of hurt.

For insertion (girls and guys):

  •  Again, stay away from scented products. Some unscented lotions or creams may be OK to use as lube, but they aren’t meant for internal use, so use caution.
  • Soap or shampoo of any kind is not a good lube. It will irritate your vaginal or anal membranes.
  • Water-based lubricants will wash away in the shower, but you can use silicone-based lubes.
  • If someone gets you one of those penis-shaped soap-on-a-rope things, don’t use it as a dildo. It will smart.

New Tiger Toys Have Major Wood

tigerwoods.jpgRight about on schedule, following the revelation of his extramarital dalliances and subsequent public apology, Tiger Woods has joined Sarah Palin among the ranks of celebrities immortalized as sex dolls.

Pipedreams has come out with a complete line of Tiger Woods sex toy products, including the Tuggin’ Tiger Wind-Up, the Take-Home Tiger Love Doll , and the Tiger’s Wood Cover 4-inch condom – complete with the requisite wood, iron, and hole jokes.

Well, given how Tiger’s sexcapades have damaged his professional career, at least he still has *some* options left for product endorsements. We’re waiting for Viagra to pick him up as a pitchman sometime soon.

10 Funniest YouTube Sex Toy Videos

sextoyTV.jpg

You’ll find a lot of sex-toy-related videos on YouTube. Some are instructional. Some are dirty. Many are sales pitches. You can also find some good DIY tutorials for homemade projects. But just for fun, we’ve rounded up some of the more entertaining ones for your viewing pleasure.

1. Sex Toy Story

A slick parody of the Pixar blockbuster.

2. The Dildo Song

A classic. You’ll have this ditty stuck in your head for days.

3. “It’s a Dildo” – The Office UK

Ummm…awk-ward.

4. Granny Finds a Dildo

Oh, these new-fangled inventions!

5. Boys Can Wait

A public service announcement from Technical Virgins.

6. Dildo on the News

Is that a dildo or the SWAT team’s battering ram? Watch for it at 0:15.

7. Butt Plug Prank Call

The man has a simple request. Confusion and hilarity ensue.

8. White Water Rafting w/Blow Up Dolls

Not so much rafting as river crossing. You can barely hear the audio, but they’re speaking Russian or something anyway.

9. The Factory: How a Dildo Is Made

Repurposed retro film footage used to make an educational short you never saw in grade school.

10. Pineapple-Shaped Dildo

There’s no substitute for the real thing. 

10 Questionable Valentine’s Sex Toy Gifts

Buying your sweetheart a sexy toy for Valentine’s can be fun and romantic – as long as you don’t buy the wrong thing. Here are a few “don’ts” to help you avoid a V-Day disaster.

1. Heart-Shaped Anal Beads

heartbeads2.jpgHearts are romantic. Unless they’re going into your butt.


2. Oral Sex Mints
oralmints2.jpgNumbs the gag reflex while it freshens your breath. The passive-aggressive way of telling your mate, “I want you to blow me like a porn-star. And by the way, you have halitosis.”


3. Anal Balloon Pump

balloon2.jpg
Your sweetheart wants a balloon bouquet, not a balloon in the tuckus.


4. Jawbreaker Ball Gag
jawbreaker1.jpgStick to a box of those chalky Valentine hearts.


5. Chocolate Clone-a-Pussy
chocopussy2.jpgNo, nimrod – you’re supposed to get her a box of chocolates, not a kit to make her box into a chocolate bar.


6. Thigh Exerciser Sex Machine
thighmaster2.jpgAgain, as a gift, this sends the wrong message, i.e., “You have thunder thighs.”


7. Mighty Merlin Dagger Dildo
merlin2.jpgIt’s exactly what it looks like: an electric cattle prod.


8. Joy Finger
finger2.jpgThis would be more appropriate for a Halloween party than a Valentine’s date.


9. Vibrating Pleasure Periscope
periscope2.jpgArrgh, matey – G-spot off the starboard bow!


10. Glass Heart Butt Plug
glassheart2.jpg“Oh, a beautiful crystal wine stopper. Wait, it goes where?”

Tickle Me Roxxy

Thumbnail image for fembot.jpgIf you thought that the RealDoll was the ultimate in realistic sex toys, a New Jersey toy company just upped the ante. Last weekend at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas marked the debut of Roxxxy, “the world’s first sex robot”.

Before you get too excited, Roxxxy will not be giving you the robotic hand job you’re fantasizing about. She doesn’t move at all. Not even her mouth.

She does talk, though, and thanks to a computer program, can actually learn to converse about your favorite subjects, like football, World of Warcraft, and Family Guy. (But still, she doesn’t move her mouth while she’s talking, which just adds to the creepiness factor.) You can also customize her personality, with choices ranging from a mature MILF to a kinky sex kitten. And she has touch sensors so she can respond with appropriate vocalizations when you engage her in various acts.

So, basically what you have here is the equivalent of a Furby or Tickle Me Elmo for lonely, pervy guys. Seems a bit silly? Well, we’re not here to judge.

If you’d like your own inanimate girlfriend (or boyfriend) but don’t have $9,000 to shell out, check out our tutorial on how to make a DIY Sex Doll.