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Weird Toy of the Week: Octopenis

octopenis.jpgWell, now we know what fucks an Octopussy. Or is this the monster that inseminated Octo Mom? The Octopenis simultaneously evokes Jules Verne, tentacle porn, Japanese woodcuts and netsuke, and Spongebob Squarepants.

Let’s clarify: this dildo is not a representation of the actual penis of an octopus, although I’m sure there are folks out there who would be into that too. (Actually, the mating habits of octopi are very interesting. The male octopus’ left third tentacle is its penis, which sometimes detaches after sex.)  The Octopenis is also not an eight-membered dildo, although that could make for some amazing group sex.

Rather, it’s an octopus holding a penis, with the octopus’ head standing in for the balls, and its tentacles wrapping around to form some hefty ridging on the already thick 7.5″ shaft. If you don’t mind a cephalopod staring into your crotch, go ahead and plumb your depths with this aquatic creature, while indulging in mermaid or Squiddly Diddly fantasies.   

Fun With Food: Potatoes

potato.jpgThe humble spud might not strike you as the sexiest veggie in the produce aisle, but you’ll look at them differently when you check out this reader suggestion for making a potato-bator:

“A melon is a great masturbation toy, but after a few minutes of use the hole becomes too large for pleasure.  Instead, I suggest using a potato.  They’re small enough and cheap enough to purchase in quantity, but can be large enough to fit even J. Holmes himself. 

Cut both ends, bore out a hole with a drill and a bit (spade bits usually are the easiest) and warm a few seconds in the microwave.  Lube it up and go.  Make sure the walls are at least a quarter inch thick between the hole and the skin. Stick the potato in a couch cushion or bed mattress with a towel.

The best part is when you shoot your load, your cock flexes. If you kept the wall thick enough, it won’t bust and it feels like a woman clenching back down on your dick when she comes too!  Clean up is as easy as tossing the potato in the garbage disposal.  Then nobody can find the evidence.  Buy a ten-pound bag for a weekend squirt-fest.”

We wonder how this would work with a baked potato. You’d probably need to wrap it in something to keep it from falling apart. Another serving suggestion: mashed potatoes. Make some from cooked potatoes or whip up some instant from a box, fill a jar or tall cup, insert your dick, and keep mashing away.

10 Tips for Greener Sex

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Green this, green that – it’s all you hear these days. But while you’re debating which brand of recycled paper towels to buy, did you ever think about what kind of carbon footprints you’re leaving all over the bedroom? Check out our top ten tips for a more enviro-friendly sex life.

1. Swallow
Bad:
Using a tissue to clean up semen
Tissue and TP =  trees. Yes, it’s biodegradable, but throw it away and it adds to a landfill, flush it and you’re using water and putting it into the waste stream.  If you must use tissue, at least get the recycled kind.
Better: Use a washable cloth
Cloth is washable and reusable, but washing uses water and energy.
Best: Swallowing
Nothing more to clean up or throw away, uses no resources, plus you’re utilizing the semen’s nutritional value.

2. Paperless Porn
Bad:
Glossy magazines, DVDs
Magazines use toxic inks and are a waste of trees, while DVDs and their packaging are made from plastics and contribute to landfills.
Better: Online porn
Paperless porn is better, but the computer still burns up electricity.
Best: Voyeurism
Go to a sex club and watch, or better yet, watch your neighbors have sex
.

3. Keep It Local
Bad:
Long distance relationship
Add the fuel used for travel to the energy required for long phone calls, chat, and cam sessions.
Better: Local partner
Uses less energy getting together for booty calls and keeping in touch.
Best: Live-in lover
The most convenient, and you’re conserving by sharing other resources

4. Au Natural Lingerie
Bad: Synthetic fabrics that are petroleum based; lingerie made by large manufacturers that use environmentally unregulated sweatshop labor.
Better: Lingerie made from organic cotton, hemp, or bamboo fiber, by smaller eco-friendly companies.
Best: Your birthday suit
No cost and nothing to wash afterward.

5. Enviro-friendly Condoms
Bad: Polyurethane condoms are full of chemicals, and possibly petroleum derivatives. Use only if you have a latex allergy.
Better: Lambskin
Natural and biodegradable, but made using a tanning process that may not be eco-friendly. Also not considered effective against STDs.
Best: Natural latex
Sustainable and theoretically biodegradable, although this may take a while in a landfill. Buy condoms individually, in bulk, or by the roll to cut down on cardboard packaging.

6. Turn out the lights
Bad: Having sex with the lights on
No need to waste electricity.
Better: Candlelight
Romantic and cuts energy consumption.
Best: Sex in the dark, or sex in the daytime
Have sex during the day, with natural lighting. Or outdoors, under moonlight.

7. Use Clean Lube
Bad: Petroleum Jelly
Made of petroleum, and when washed off, it becomes a pollutant. And it’s not even a good sexual lube. Silicone-based lubes are environmentally better, but are still synthetic.
Better: Water-based or vegetable-based
Even organic water-based lubes still come in plastic bottles.
Best: Saliva
It’s free, nontoxic, renewable, and there’s no wasteful packaging.

8. Turn Down the Thermostat
Bad: Cranking up the heat
You need to stay warm when you strip down, but turning up the thermostat is the most energy-consumptive solution.
Better: Stay under the covers
Get a nice quilt or comforter and snuggle up together.
Best: Group sex
All that body heat can warm up the whole house.

9. Efficient Pre- and Post-Sex Cleanup
Bad: Bathing
Uses gallons of water, plus the energy to heat it. If you insist, take a quick shower together.
Better: Baby Wipes
Uses less water, but wet wipes are still an overpackaged product that wastes trees.
Best: Bidet
Cleans the important bits with a minimum of water. Americans may have to make due with a wet washcloth.

10. Sustainable Sex Toys
Bad: Petroleum based materials, battery powered vibrators
Common sex toy materials such as Cyberskin, vinyl, and jelly rubber are made with PVC (polyvinyl chloride) which uses petroleum, and contain plastic softeners like phthalates and BPA.
Better: Non-phthalate materials
Silicone, acrylic, or latex rubber are phthalate free and preferable to other synthetics.
Best: Natural materials, manually operated
You can find dildos, butt plugs, and other items made of glass, metal, and even sustainably harvested fair-trade wood.

Household Pervertibles: Exercise Ball

An inflatable exercise ball, or Swiss ball, is a great sex prop. You can use it as a piece of sex furniture by incorporating it into your lovemaking positions, and you might get a little actual exercise while you’re at it.

exercise-ball.jpgFor extra stability when starting out, you can place the ball in a corner or against the edge of the bed, and either partner can sit or lay against the ball. After you get more comfortable with using the ball, you can try using it freestanding, without support. Depending on the position, bracing yourself while fucking on or against the ball will engage your quads, hips, glutes, obliques, and abs. Feel the burn!

Of course, you need to exercise some caution. The internet is littered with videos of exercise ball mishaps. The ball can roll out from under you or possibly pop. Keep both feet on the floor, don’t make any sudden moves, and don’t bounce up and down. At the same time, the degree of control that you have to muster to balance and keep from sliding around can help build arousal – all that slow, steady thrusting will get you both hot and bothered. 

Don’t have a partner to play with? No problem! Make a solo toy by attaching a dildo to the exercise ball. You’ll need one with a flat, flared base – the kind that is made to go into a strap-on harness. It will take a bit of duct tape, but you should be able to attach the dildo securely to the surface by taping the base down tightly and adding more tape layers around it. Saddle up and ride and rock your way to orgasmic bliss.

Can I Catch Something from a Cucumber?

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Q: If I put a banana or cucumber in my vagina, will I get an infection?

Anything you put in your vagina, if it has bacteria or other pathogens on it, can give you a vaginal infection. So before you insert an object vaginally, whether it’s a piece of fruit, a dildo, or a hairbrush handle, wash it thoroughly with soap and hot water. If it’s possible, boil it or run it through the dishwasher. Of course, you wouldn’t want to do that with a cucumber. Also, don’t put anything in the microwave to disinfect it – that could get messy.

Bananas are a slightly different story. Introducing something sugary into the vagina, like a peeled banana or other fruit, can be an invitation to a yeast infection. We recommend covering a banana or any other type of food with a condom. If you’re into the messy aspect of using food for masturbation or sex play, or your partner wants to eat the banana out of your pussy or something, wash yourself off thoroughly right afterward, and make sure you clean any residue out of your vaginal canal.

So go ahead and play with your food, just keep it clean.

What Made My Dildo Melt?

dali.jpg Q: I put a couple of my dildos in a box to store them, and now they are goopy and sticky and greasy-looking on the parts where they were touching. I know I put them away clean. What happened?

Uh-oh, dildo meltdown. Don’t tell me, let me guess – one of those dildos was made of Cyberskin and the other one was some sort of rubber. The goopiness is a result of a chemical reaction between the two polymers where the dildos were touching. Lifelike Cyberskin materials will react with rubber and start to break down.

Rubber, vinyl, and regular silicone toys don’t have this problem when stored together. Cyberskin toys should be stored separately, either in another box, or in Ziploc bags.  Actually, we recommend individually bagging all your toys. It’s a great way to make sure they stay clean and free from dust and lint. Just make sure they have been thoroughly cleaned and dried. With Cyberskin toys, give them a dusting with cornstarch before tucking them in. Don’t use talcum or baby powder; talc has been linked to ovarian cancer. 

DIY Sex Toy Project: Solar Powered Vibrator

solarvibe3.jpgWe’ve been holding onto this project for a few months now, waiting for appropriately summery weather. Now that sunny days are here again, we can debut our contribution to the push for energy alternatives: a DIY solar powered vibrator.

This project is easier than you might think, and you don’t need a huge solar array as long as you keep your expectations reasonable. You won’t be able to fire up your Hitachi Magic Wand, but it only takes a couple of small solar cells to power a bullet vibrator.

So does it really work? Yes, surprisingly well. Check out the video.

Why didn’t somebody think of this before? Well, actually, somebody did, and you can buy a solar powered bullet vibrator that runs off a solar rechargeable battery. Ours runs directly on sunshine, which means that have to be outside (or attach very long wires) in order to use it. But if you’re going to be laying around working on your tan anyway, this is more fun than reading a John Grisham novel. 

Big Bag Bounce


Step 1: Tape two bags together
Get two very large trash bags and tape them together to make one large bag.
It takes a little practice to get the ends taped just right.

Step 2: Fill them with air
inflate the bags with air (vacuum cleaner) and when it gets almost full but not quite, I remove the air supply and tape over the hole.

Step 3: Hop on top
Lube up your cock and get on top of the bags and begin humping.. When you get close to cumming, you can puncture a small hole or maybe a few holes in the bag and "ride" it down. Time it to cum just before you hit bottom.

 

Blanket Pull


Step 1: Hold a blanket with your feet
Lie flat on your back, in bed, on a sofa, where ever, and take a blanket, hold the end of the blanket with your feet, and run it from under you up between your legs, and hold the other end.

Step 2: Rock your pelvis
Start rocking your pelvis back and forth while pulling on the blanket to keep it taut and let it hit your clit. You can do this naked or fully clothed, with dildo inserted or not, depends on how much time you have. It is so great, you can vary the speeds of your pelvis and how taut you make the blanket. It can also be done anywhere you find a blanket, towel, or any such thing long enough. So go travel.