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News: Farewell to the King of the Crotch Grab

MJ.jpgNews broke earlier today that one of the icons of our time, Michael Jackson, has passed away, after suffering an apparent cardiac arrest at home.

While the world mourns a musical legend and cable news loops video clips of his career, we’d like to spotlight a different aspect of the King of Pop’s legacy: how his work celebrated both the joy and pain of self-love.

The Crotch Grab – MJ just couldn’t keep his hands off his junk. Any chronic ‘bator can relate to that.

The Glove – Who knows what the glove was really about? Splotchy skin? Whatever. But we can think of one good reason to wear a single glove – to keep your dominant hand smooth and supple for stroking.

Beat It
– It’s too obvious. But no, you say, It’s not about that kind of beating. Yeah, OK, it’s about gang fights. But come on – it’s a song with a propulsive, throbbing rhythm, repeating several dozen times a popular term for masturbation. Even if it doesn’t mean anything, it still means something.

Check out the video, where we see Michael at the beginning, lying alone on his bed. The vid
culminates in a vaguely homoerotic knife fight/dance off – circle jerk, perhaps? The moral of the tale? Don’t go out and get in gang fights, kids; be safe, stay home and beat off.

The Panther Dance – This infamous sequence was edited out of MTV’s version of the video for Black or White, after complaints from concerned mothers that it was too suggestive. We’d call it more than that.

Michael stands bracing himself as the wind picks up, blowing his clothes back against his body. What’s that? It looks like he has a boner. Another gust of wind. Yes, there is definitely something sticking up in his pants. MJ gets down Fred Astaire style, then after a few quick passing swipes at his crotch, he grabs hold of his package full on and jerks it in an up and down motion for a few seconds. Some folks interpreted this as him fiddling with his zipper, but it’s pretty clear what he’s actually fiddling with.

In the Closet – We’re not even going to comment on this song’s title. That’s another issue altogether. But there’s nothing surreptitious about this song’s lyrics. They get right to the point:
It’s just desire
I really love it
‘Cause if it’s aching
You have to rub it

You Really Got a Hold on Me – This song is addressed to a lover, but you could just as easily sing it to your right hand, and it would make perfect sense:
You really got a hold on me
You really got a hold on me, yeah
I love you and all I want you to do is hold me,
Hold me, hold me.

Man in the Mirror
I’ve been the victim of a selfish
Kind of love.

Those words sum up so well the loneliness and narcissism of a chronic masturbator. This song reaches out to those isolated by their addiction, telling them there is hope: You know/You’ve got to stop it…You got to not let yourself.”

News: Mel B Blasts Off With a Pocket Rocket


We like this girl’s attitude. Former Spice Girl Mel B was totally upfront in an interview with British mag Closer, speaking candidly about her enjoyment of sexual accessories like sex toys and lingerie.

“My advice to women who are unfulfilled in the bedroom is to invest in a sex toy. I use a little vibrator called a Pocket Rocket – and it does the trick every time.”

Mel brings up a good point that many people overlook – toys are even more fun when they’re shared:

“The good thing about sex toys is you can use them by yourself or with your partner. My husband and I have a great time together.”

We salute Mel for her openness and frank discussion of the use and advantages of sex toys. Many people feel ashamed or embarrassed about using them. That’s one of the reasons many people choose to make their own toys at home out of common materials – to avoid the embarrassment of buying them and having them around the house.

The more public figures and celebrities speak out about sex toys, the less they will be stigmatized. Say it loud: I use sex toys and I’m proud!

Homemade Sex Toy: Fun in the Sun


Beach Pail Pussy

Many readers have recommended water wings (inflatable arm bands) as a male masturbation device. Now that summer’s here, it’s time to try this one out. If the thong bikinis and firm, oiled flesh are getting you worked up, relieve some of the tension with a discreet seaside sex toy made from common beach accoutrements.



  • Small plastic beach pail
  • Child-sized water wing inflatable armband
  • Sunscreen or lotion



Pick a flat area on the beach to position your device. Dig a hole in the sand large enough and deep enough to accommodate the bucket so that the top is just flush with the surface of the sand. An ideal spot will have dry sand on the surface, and slightly damp sand a couple of inches underneath. This will make it easier to dig the hole without the sand continually sliding back in.


Fit the bucket into the hole and push sand up around the outside of the bucket to brace it in place. Try not to get too much sand in the bucket or on the rim of the bucket.

Inflate the water wing and adjust to your desired tightness. If it has two air chambers, you may want to inflate one more than the other for variations in pressure and texture.


Insert the water wing into the bucket. Be careful not to get sand on the surface of the vinyl. This can cause discomfort and genital skin damage. If the water wing is partially inflated, put the less inflated part on top and arrange into labial folds if desired. Give it a moment to warm in the sun, but don’t let it get too hot!d

Squirt some sunscreen or lotion into the water wing. Laying face down over the bucket, insert your penis into the center and hump away. With your body stretched out in the sand or on a beach blanket, you can work on your tan and no one will be able to see what’s going on underneath you. When you’re finished, rinse everything out in the ocean and build a sandcastle.

Household Pervertible: Polyethylene Foam Packaging


This week’s pervertible was suggested by a reader who discovered that not all bubble wrap is created equal. For superior pocket pussy repurposing, try thin polyethylene foam sheeting. This is the almost papery, translucent white packing material that is sometimes wrapped around electronics or delicate items. Its soft rubbery texture and fleshlike stretchiness make for a sublime experience:

“It has a surface that feels way better than any plastic baggie/latex item. Also way better than normal bubble wrap, and it feels nice warm too. Note that this must be thin polyethylene foam, which has closed cells, not other foam rubber with an open texture. You can combine it with many methods, for example “couch love”. I tried your “balloon sex bundle“, and it was great, but the water was too hot so I used a polyethylene foam inside it as insulation. The texture of the foam together with the heat was probably the best method I ever tried in terms of feeling.”

You can make a simple masturbation sleeve by just taking a piece of the foam sheeting, rolling it into a tube and taping it. Or use it to line a toilet paper tube or our potato chip can Flashlight Masturbator. The thinnest poly foam tears easily, so lube is a must. Oil based lubricants don’t cause any immediate degradation of the foam, but if you plan to reuse it, we recommend water-based lube for ease of cleanup. If you find you like it as much as this reader, you can get a roll of it online and it will set you back $40 or so. Otherwise, just hang onto it the next time you get your hands on a piece. It’s a great way to recycle.

Reader Suggestion: Just Add Water

florist1.jpgWe often get emails from readers describing their own favorite DIY sex toys, and sometimes they come up with some pretty innovative uses for materials. A couple of readers alerted us to the perv potential of the super absorbent polymers used by florists and gardeners to supply moisture to plants. These can soak up over a hundred times their weight in water and expand from tiny grains or beads into what look like small chunks or marble-sized spheres of Jell-O.

Our readers suggested hydrating a few tablespoons of the granules inside a plastic bag or latex glove, and then inserting your business directly into the squishy stuff. While that would probably provide more interesting sensations, we’re not sure how safe this material is for direct skin contact, especially in a sensitive area. So we built a polymer-filled masturbator with a liner.

florist2.jpgFirst we cut the top off of a 20 oz. plastic soda bottle, then used duct tape to cover the rough edge of the plastic. We added some of the polymer crystals (we used way more than needed – probably just two spoonfuls would have been adequate) and poured in some water. We added in some food coloring for appearance and to make the crystals more visible for demonstration purposes.

florist5.jpgAfter mixing the water and crystals and getting them rehydrated to a volume that filled the bottle, we took a plastic produce bag and pushed it down into the center of what was now a granular, gelatinous mush. (We tried using a condom, but the part stretched around the opening kept breaking.)


Cut off the top of the bag, leaving a few inches above the top, tape the edge down around the outside, and there you go.

This masturbator could be used multiple times – just replace the liner. And if the crystals start to dry out, just add more H20.

What Made My Dildo Melt?

dali.jpg Q: I put a couple of my dildos in a box to store them, and now they are goopy and sticky and greasy-looking on the parts where they were touching. I know I put them away clean. What happened?

Uh-oh, dildo meltdown. Don’t tell me, let me guess – one of those dildos was made of Cyberskin and the other one was some sort of rubber. The goopiness is a result of a chemical reaction between the two polymers where the dildos were touching. Lifelike Cyberskin materials will react with rubber and start to break down.

Rubber, vinyl, and regular silicone toys don’t have this problem when stored together. Cyberskin toys should be stored separately, either in another box, or in Ziploc bags.  Actually, we recommend individually bagging all your toys. It’s a great way to make sure they stay clean and free from dust and lint. Just make sure they have been thoroughly cleaned and dried. With Cyberskin toys, give them a dusting with cornstarch before tucking them in. Don’t use talcum or baby powder; talc has been linked to ovarian cancer. 

Weird Toy of the Week: Double Fister


Talk about a one-two punch! If you find that one fist isn’t doing it for you, get a two-fer with this toy.

We love the blasé tone of the description:

“This PVC double fist is a fairly standard double fisting device. It’s firmly built, so you can ram it in hard. It has great attention to detail, all the way down to the fingernails. This is the perfect toy for all of your double fisting needs.”

It’s so important to get the right tool for the job.

The blurb for the Caucasian flesh-tone duo fist is even more enlightening: what we have here is actually a female fist followed by a male fist. Why it’s important to specify the respective genders of the hands, we’re not sure – maybe so users can feel secure in their bisexuality, or to offer something for everyone. Anyway, you can imagine yourself getting fisted by a couple while you use this thing. Since they’re both right hand fists, it makes sense that they couldn’t belong to the same person.

Musical Dildos: A Cock Rock Comeback


There’s no contesting the phallic symbolism of an electric guitar, especially as wielded from the Spandex-clad crotches of a legion of hair bands. But real life metal band Anvil, the subject of the recent documentary, Anvil! The Story of Anvil, took it over the top when their guitarist, Steve “Lips” Kudlow, played his axe with a dildo

“I knew it was going to make [a] noise through the pick-ups, but I thought, ‘It vibrates. So, it’s going to make my strings vibrate as well. And it’s round, so it can be used for bottle neck.’ “

OK, so it wasn’t a dildo, like everyone has been saying – it was a vibrator. But still, we salute his ingenuity. What have we learned here? Sex toys rock! And, it just goes to show that repurposing can go both ways: if you use your imagination, you might find a practical use for your buttplug or cock ring.

Apparently there also was a dildo in the act at some point, which he brandished at the audience. Alas, the sex toys were retired because some of the band’s fans found them offensive. (We find it hard to believe headbangers would be so easily shocked, but maybe they were playing the Christian heavy metal circuit.)

But good news! Now that Anvil is basking in hard-earned media attention and gearing up for a victory tour, Lips says the musical dildos may make a comeback along with the band. Rock out with your rubber cock out!

Weird Toy of the Week: The Do It Yourself Woody Penis Ring

woodyring.jpgEvery once in a while, you run across a sex toy that you just look at and think, “Where the heck do you put that?” The Woody Cock Ring is such a toy.

This one is hard to figure out without a diagram. First of all, the name is kind of misleading: it’s not made of wood. (Yes, there actually are wooden cock rings.) Second – well, it sort of looks like an alligator’s gaping jaws, or a creature out of a Tim Burton movie. How do you feel about putting your junk into something with teeth, even if they are made of soft PVC material?

Here’s how it works: You slide your penis through the jaws of doom – through the back, so it’s sticking out like a tongue. That circular part – you pull your nut sack through that. Once you penetrate your partner, those mandible-like parts splay and rub against the clit/vulva and perineum/anal areas — assuming that your partner has a vagina, and that’s what you’re penetrating. It could probably work in other scenarios, but that’s what it appears to be built for.
If you’re looking for something different, here you go. We think it looks a little scary, on or off. 

Sex Toy News: Sex Doll Stars at Cannes

doll.jpgFilmgoers at the Cannes Film Festival were treated yesterday to the world premiere of “Air Doll”, a Japanese feature film whose leading lady is…a blow up doll. We’d love to see the red carpet pics for that one.

This sounds like a remake of Pinocchio, set in an adult video store: blow up doll comes to life and becomes human through the power of love, and hot air. Says director Hirokazu Kore-eda,

“She has a rich life because of the way she lives and the way she’s in contact with other people, and of course she needs someone else to put air inside her,” he said.

Kore-eda didn’t make his doll an idealized woman; she has a few seams showing:

“What I wanted to show is a doll that grows from a baby, then becomes a child and then a woman. And at the end she kills her boyfriend,” he said. “So she is more realistic, and that comes with love.”

Yeah, killing your boyfriend – only human.

Weird as all this sounds, it can’t possible be creepier than “Lars and the Real Girl”, which featured the unnerving screen presence of an actual Real Doll.

If you’d like to cast your own film with a blow up co-star, there’s plenty of inflatable talent available – just peruse all these sex dolls.You can even hire a porn star doll. They work for cheap and there’s no off-screen diva tantrums to deal with.