1. Heart-Shaped Anal BeadsHearts are romantic. Unless they're going into your butt.
2. Oral Sex Mints
Numbs the gag reflex while it freshens your breath. The passive-aggressive way of telling your mate, "I want you to blow me like a porn-star. And by the way, you have halitosis."
3. Anal Balloon Pump
Your sweetheart wants a balloon bouquet, not a balloon in the tuckus.
4. Jawbreaker Ball Gag
Stick to a box of those chalky Valentine hearts.
5. Chocolate Clone-a-Pussy
No, nimrod - you're supposed to get her a box of chocolates, not a kit to make her box into a chocolate bar.
6. Thigh Exerciser Sex Machine
Again, as a gift, this sends the wrong message, i.e., "You have thunder thighs."
7. Mighty Merlin Dagger Dildo
It's exactly what it looks like: an electric cattle prod.
8. Joy Finger
This would be more appropriate for a Halloween party than a Valentine's date.
9. Vibrating Pleasure Periscope
Arrgh, matey - G-spot off the starboard bow!
10. Glass Heart Butt Plug
"Oh, a beautiful crystal wine stopper. Wait, it goes where?"