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Fun With Food: Cucumbers

Millions of women (and men) have already discovered the cucumber's potential as a dildo. In fact, it's hard to pick one up in the produce aisle without thinking something dirty. But some guys have found another use for the cool cuke: a handheld masturbation sleeve.

You'll need a cucumber that is nice and thick, about two inches in diameter, and at least a couple of inches longer than your dick. At the height of the season, you shouldn't have trouble finding a large one. Needless to say, you should pass over the expensive (and too slender) cellophane-wrapped English cukes.

Cut both ends off the cucumber. At one end, be sure to expose the full thickness of the cucumber's flesh. Dig into it with a spoon and/or knife, and hollow out the seeds and interior. You'll need to cut away just enough of the inner wall that you can slide your cock in. You want to keep it tight, and you want the cucumber walls to hold up. It doesn't have to be perfectly smooth inside. Some ridging on the interior can add interesting texture.

You can tunnel straight through so both ends of the cuke are open. We suggest keeping the opening at the far end narrower, so you can block it off with your fingers or palm for more suction on the out-stroke.

Warm the cuke to body temperature by immersing it in hot water. You could pop it in the microwave, but for something this small, we recommend water submersion instead. Nuking it for even a few seconds could make it hot enough to burn you, or cook it and make it unusable.

Slide into your cucumber's naturally slippery juices, or lube it up with a squirt of vegetable oil, and enjoy the salad days of summer.

Fun With Food: Potatoes

potato.jpgThe humble spud might not strike you as the sexiest veggie in the produce aisle, but you'll look at them differently when you check out this reader suggestion for making a potato-bator:

"A melon is a great masturbation toy, but after a few minutes of use the hole becomes too large for pleasure.  Instead, I suggest using a potato.  They're small enough and cheap enough to purchase in quantity, but can be large enough to fit even J. Holmes himself. 

Cut both ends, bore out a hole with a drill and a bit (spade bits usually are the easiest) and warm a few seconds in the microwave.  Lube it up and go.  Make sure the walls are at least a quarter inch thick between the hole and the skin. Stick the potato in a couch cushion or bed mattress with a towel.

The best part is when you shoot your load, your cock flexes. If you kept the wall thick enough, it won't bust and it feels like a woman clenching back down on your dick when she comes too!  Clean up is as easy as tossing the potato in the garbage disposal.  Then nobody can find the evidence.  Buy a ten-pound bag for a weekend squirt-fest."

We wonder how this would work with a baked potato. You'd probably need to wrap it in something to keep it from falling apart. Another serving suggestion: mashed potatoes. Make some from cooked potatoes or whip up some instant from a box, fill a jar or tall cup, insert your dick, and keep mashing away.

About this Archive

This page is an archive of recent entries in the Food category.

DIY Sex Toy Projects is the previous category.

Household Pervertibles is the next category.

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