There’s nothing better than shutting the door, lighting some candles, and flicking your bean with a bad ass vibrator. Ok, so the candles aren’t necessary, but a well-made vibrator certainly is. You can always fingerbang yourself into oblivion like an old-school pervert, but arthritis isn’t sexy and let’s face, that shit gets old fast. A good vibrator can keep the juices flowing for a lot longer, plus you don’t ever have to stop because your hands are cramping up. What a wonderful time to be alive.
In a world filled with sex toys geared specifically towards men, it’s nice to see manufacturers looking out for the ladies. However, there are so many options out there these days that it’s often difficult to find the right one. You may not need any help busting a righteous nut, but you probably need some help discovering the toys that will get you there. If so, keep reading.
What Makes a Top Vibrator & Is It Worth Touching Your Fine Ass?
Unfortunately, some women fall victim to pretty designs or clever marketing and end up missing out on the goods stuff. That shit ends here. All a lady really needs is a little guidance to find the best toys in the biz, and we’re not talking about some bullshit affiliate slanging wangs to make a quick buck. If an honest man can’t be found, then at least an honest review of the industry’s top vibrators should be available. Have no fear; the truth begins here.
So, if you’re picky about what punches your pussy, then listen up. Although many of the toys on the market look and function similarly, none of them are exactly the same. There’s always someone competing to get all up in that, so make the manufacturer work for your money, honey. You probably know what you want, so get out there and find it. And even if you don’t know what’s best, the following guidelines will help you track it down like a predator in the wilderness. Happy hunting!
Pussy Probing Properties: The Top Six for Your Fake Dicks
As mentioned, it takes some skill and knowledge to find the best vibrator for your unique body. Just as no two ladies are the same, not all sex toys are created equally. With that said, study these probe-worthy properties to discover the dick of your dreams (BONUS: It will still be there in the morning and it won’t ask you to make it a sandwich):
Guys with tiny cocks will have you believing that size doesn’t matter or that it’s the motion in the ocean that hits the spot. Ok, so if size doesn’t matter then why do vibrators come in a variety of lengths and widths? Obviously, women know more about what they desire than men do, but that’s not a news flash.
The size of the vibrator you choose is actually more important than its bells and whistles because, quite frankly, it won’t matter what the toy does if you can’t fit it between your legs. A properly proportioned penis is ideal whether it’s fake or not, so pay close attention to the toy’s dimensions. Keep in mind that some of the vibrators out there can fluctuate in size, making them a one-size-fits-all option that makes men (and all other toys) pretty much obsolete.
Stay in Shape
Ladies, you all know how important it is to have a killer shape, and vibrators are no different. The ergonomics of the toy you choose should be just as sexy as you are. Whether you’re into getting a straight shot up the glory hole or a dual massage that tickles both sides of your bean, a good vibe will float the boat properly by being the ideal shape for a woman’s body.
Remember that there are numerous different shapes out there, from the straight or curved handheld models, to the rabbit-eared and insertable bullets. It all depends on how you plan to use it, what rocks your socks the best, and how discrete you need it to be. And while bullets are notoriously hard to detect, they usually don’t give you the internal/external sensations that other models do. So, choose the shape (and size) of your toys wisely and keep in mind that you’ll probably want to explore a bit once you get the party started.
Each toy on the modern market has its own set of features, designed specifically to tease the clitoris, or go spelunking inside the vaginal canal (or both). Some have numerous vibratory functions with varying speeds and intensities, while others are relatively simple and feature only a few different settings. The question is: how much variety do you want from your vibrator?
Mind you, buying a vibrator with plenty of bells and whistles will save you time and money in the end, especially if you like to switch things up from time to time. There are even some toys out there that link to online porn content, VR devices, or other sex toys for a rip-roaring play session by yourself or with an equally perverted partner. In short, the options are endless, so pay attention.
Now, it won’t matter how the toy is shaped or sized if it’s made from the wrong stuff, nor will the features be very impressive. Vibrator manufacturers are good at experimenting with materials, so think about what you want. Do you prefer something skin-like or a solid metallic feel? Do you have any allergies that may cause a rash if you use the wrong shit? Nobody thinks pussy bumps are cute, so carefully choose the material with which your toy is made.
For the most part, skin-safe and hypoallergenic silicone is your best bet. However, some of the other polymers used by popular toy makers are just as acceptable for a majority of women. This is especially true if you plan to use a condom with it, but then again doing so kind of defeats the purpose of using a fake dick to get off. The choice is yours but remember, it’s still ok to be a material girl in a material world.
The Price Is Right
While the price tag on the vibrators you like may play a significant role in whether you buy it or not, cost should never be a deal breaker. After all, a mind-blowing nut is pretty much priceless and no partner on Earth is going to deliver the goods on their own. Even fantastic lovers use sex toys to get the job done, so give him or her the good shit and let the toy do its thing.
The average high-quality female vibrator runs between $100-$300, depending on several factors. Be prepared to make an investment in your pussy power, as cheap toys tend to break easily, malfunction quickly, or simply leave much to be desired. In other words, if you’re gonna go, go all out. Chances are, you won’t regret it.
As for you deal hunters and coupon lovers out there, save some cash by getting your toy when there’s a discount available. Many manufacturers host sales numerous times per year. So, if you insist on being a cheapskate, then patience is certainly a virtue here. Oh, and one more thing: keep even more of your cheddar by opting for a rechargeable toy. After all, everyone knows what you’re doing when you put 13 boxes of batteries on the conveyer belt.
Appearances Aren’t Everything
How many times have you made excuses for an unattractive lover simply because they had a roadmap to your g-spot? The lesson is simple: appearances don’t always matter if the juice is worth the squeeze. In other words, don’t judge a book by its cover. Ugly or weird-looking toys are often the best option, while some of those super cute vibrators do little more than look pretty as they collect dust in your underwear drawer.
On the other hand, well-known and highly respected sex toy brands will offer the best of both worlds. Look for a toy that’s the complete package – a trifecta of perfection: high-quality, feature fantastic, and attractive. Those vibrators do exist, it just may take some hunting and/or a bit of an investment to make it your own. For once, don’t shop solely with your eyes. Let your pussy do some of the talking.
The Industry’s Cream of the Crop: Best Vibrators For Women 2018
The above characteristics apply to every toy on the market, so run through them like a checklist before adding anything to your shopping cart. Smart buyers know how to read between the lines and separate the bullshit from the best. At the end of the day, don’t get pressured into wasting your money on a vibrator just because it seems good enough for the time being. A great toy will become your best friend, or at least it should; so, choose wisely and start your search with the top 10 vibrators listed below.
NOTE: These vibrating sex toys are listed in no specific order, so don’t go judging them based on the position they’re in.
The OhMiBod Fuse
This thing is by far the most high-tech vibrator you’ll find, not to mention it’s the most expensive toy on this list. However, you definitely get your money’s worth with it. You see, the Kiiroo brand is known for making toys that are compatible with one other, and the OhMiBod Fuse is their shining example. It’s not only perfect for use with other toys in the brand’s lineup (like the Onyx or Pearl), but it can also be used with the Fleshlight Launch (and if you don’t know what that is, you better learn). Regardless of its high-end composition and easy-to-use interface, it’s relatively discrete and portable, making it perfect for travel or at-home pleasure.
With Bluetooth connectivity, the OhMiBod Fuse runs its dual-stim vibrating motors using two-way communication for long-distance simultaneous sex. Its appearance is beyond attractive, which surprisingly doesn’t take away from its effectiveness one bit. The controls are back-lit by LED lights, and the entire toy is covered by a soft, skin-safe black silicone that houses a bi-directional interface designed to hit all your sweet spots like a pro using touch-sensitive controls. If we’re talking about the future of fucking, the future is now.
The We-Vibe Sync
This wonderful and waterproof vibrator is setting the bar high for other female toys in the industry and is nearly as high-tech as the first toy mentioned here. Made using high-end, medical grade silicone, it’s silky, smooth, and oh so sexy. Not only that, but it is also ran using a remote control that easily adjusts the various vibe intensities and speeds. And if that weren’t enough, the whole shebang comes with a free We-Connect app for your smart device, meaning you can link this bad boy up to compatible toy and have a pants party with anyone you choose.
The Sync is also rechargeable, giving you the opportunity to use it and reuse it without making a million trips to the store for replacement batteries. On top of it all, this toy is customizable to the shape of your body while also being rather compact and discrete. Coming in a variety of adorable colors, the We-Vibe is very cute too, with attractive components that can pleasure the external and internal erogenous zones of both your vag and asshole. Just make sure you clean it off before you swap it out or you’ll be sorry. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
As another waterproof sex toy, the Clone-A-Willy isn’t very high-tech but it’s still pretty amazing. Designed to resemble the shape and size of your favorite lover, it was originally invented as a realistic prop for Hollywood movie sets, making this show stopper the perfect combination of art and arousal. Using any size dick you can find, the standard kit comes with everything you need to expertly mold your own toy in 24 hours or less. The best part is that you can add your own kick of color or keep it real with skin-like tones that make it even more lifelike.
As if that weren’t impressive enough, this DIY fuck stick includes its own 5 ¼-inch vibrator that you can insert into the mold (or not). So basically, you make your own toy and choose how you use it – as a standard dildo or as a homemade vibrator. It puts an end to men complaining about their women using sex toys to pleasure themselves, and it’s more discrete and affordable than it sounds. The only issue is that’s not rechargeable and requires batteries, but you probably have a dozen lying around the house anyway.
As remarkable as it is rechargeable, the Nova is yet another female vibrator brought to you by the wonderful wizards at We-Vibe. It’s designed to expertly combine internal and external stimulation to provide an all-inclusive sensation that attacks your g-spot and clitoris simultaneously. The unique shape and size of this thing are perhaps the best features, with ergonomics that allow it to stay put even if you juke and jive all over the bed. Oh yeah, it’s rechargeable too, but that’s just where the fun begins.
Without the need for a separate remote control, the Nova houses its interface on the shaft of the toy which allows you or your partner to manipulate the various vibe functions with one hand. And since it’s rather attractive and feminine looking, this toy certainly gets our vote as one of best bangs for your buck. It’s also waterproof like the other toys on this list and is compatible with that same We-Connect app for your smart device which allows for long-distance debauchery. And with a finger loop between the shaft and the controls, it’s super easy to hold on to even if you get carried away.
The Hula Beads
This unique vibrator takes internal pleasure to a whole new level. Put simply, it shakes, rattles, and rolls your clitoris and labia until you squirt. Made by the popular Lelo brand, the Hula Beads are self-contained pleasure balls that are completely rechargeable and impressively compact. The contraption comes with a remote control too, allowing you to customize the sensations derived from its powerful motor.
The best part about this particular toy is that it can be worn internally as a discrete tool for self-pleasure. Not only is it waterproof, but it also features a safety string on the bottom to help keep it from traveling to your nether regions. And although it’s not the most attractive toy on the market these days, it’s certainly one of the finest. Made from high-quality silicone, it’s both flexible and durable while remaining soft and silky.
First and foremost, the Muse is probably the cutest vibrator on this list. It looks like a little rabbit – a novelty that’s become extremely popular in the female sex toy division. Dainty yet durable, this compact device is operated by commercial batteries but has an extended lifespan. It also has 10 different vibe settings that can be used together or adjusted to create unique and customized a pulse rhythm. Best yet, it features an on-device control interface that’s perfect for both solo play and couple’s “therapy.”
Water-resistant toys seem to be all the rage these days, and the Muse is no exception. Not only that, but the size is rather convenient as well, measuring only a few inches and able to fit into the palm of most women’s hands. It also features LED accent lights for your deepest, darkest fantasies, and although it’s not designed for internal stimulation or penetration, you’ll still be amused by its external capabilities.
The Stronic Eins
While this thing may look relatively unimpressive at first glance, it’s important to remember how appearances aren’t everything. The Stronic Eins, made by Fun Factory, resembles an old-school vibrator but has new-school features. For example, the updated motor housed inside the hollow shaft moves up and down to create a hyper-realistic sensation that mimics thrust. Moreover, the entire contraption is waterproof, rechargeable, and programmable for hands-free operation.
Featuring 4 ½ inches of fun, this top contender cycles through 10 different vibe functions and has a slightly curved shape for boosted ergonomics. Designed to reach the g-spot quickly and easily, the skin-soft silicone shaft measures about 1 ½ inches in diameter, making it feel a lot like a fat human cock (if that fat human cock could vibrate on command, that is).
Known in the industry as “the ultimate rabbit,” the Soraya stimulates internally while minding the clitoris like a dutiful nanny. Silky and luxurious, its skin-safe silicone body is only the beginning of its impressive features. With a set of uniquely positioned controls, it’s ideal for left or right-handed women, solo artists, or couples.
The waterproof and rechargeable interface is impressive as well, not to mention it comes with a limited manufacturer’s warranty. With a chrome finish and a swanky handle loop, the various vibration settings are easily manipulated while allowing you to look sexy doing it. Although it’s not the high-tech monstrosity some women are used to, it’s certainly worthy of mention.
The Greedy Girl
By far the toy with the most vibrational functions, the 50 Shades of Grey Greedy Girl features 36 different modes and 15 distinct speeds from its uber-powerful motors. Looking just as luxurious as one would expect, the thick and flexible shaft is made from medical-grade silicone and has pliable tendrils that tickle the clit.
Its dimensions are impressive as well, with about 5 ½ inches of length and 2 inches of girth. The rechargeable battery lasts for an hour or more and the entire thing can be submerged in water without damaging the toy’s integrity. Certainly a good one for the books, the Greedy Girl brings a whole new meaning to erotic indulgence.
The Womanizer W500
Last but not least is this noteworthy vibrator, complete with a Swarovski crystal button and a unique shape that’s perfectly suited for handheld control. As a clitoral sucker, this hollow silicone tipped toy also features 8 separate vibe speeds to whirl your pearl into submission, although less powerful than its W100 predecessor.
Furthermore, it’s completely rechargeable via USB and water-resistant too, but the manufacturer doesn’t suggest submerging it for long periods of time. However, the new and improved Womanizer lasts for a whopping 240 minutes of playtime (that’s 4 hours for you math whizzes out there). With a replacement head and a storage bag included, it’s compact, convenient, and discrete – perfect for external orgasms on the run, no lube required.