Top Rated Vacuum & Electric Penis Pumps For Men 2018

Not every man is born with the dick he desires, but that’s not where the story ends.penis pump reviews Just like some women dye their hair, wear slimming corsets, or get breast implants, the wonderful world of penis enlargement has been taken mainstream by men who are sick and tired of the double standard.

Back in the day, it was considered taboo to finagle with your fun zone unless it was for medical purposes. Today, however, millions of men around the world are choosing to break the mold by doing it anyway (and doing it proudly). Not only are there thousands of male sex toys on the modern market, but there are hundreds of penis pump options as well. Oh, what a time to be alive!

What Is Considered To Be The Best Penis Pump On The Market?

Put simply, a penis pump is a tool used to increase the size and girth of your dick over time. With continual use, most guys see a multi-inch improvement in thickness and length within just a few short months. Without needing surgery or any other invasive procedure, men can enjoy boosted confidence, increased sexual gratification, and better performance in bed.

This shit is the real deal, unlike some of the lame devices used in the past. As a device wherein your dick is crammed, cranked, and yanked until it’s the size you desire, modern science has teamed up with developers to formulate some pretty spectacular stuff. In fact, some of the most popular penis pumps on the market are not only affordable and effective, they’re also sleek and sexy. Many are made by reputable manufacturers using industry-standard technology and medical-grade materials.

These modern-day miracle workers are certainly changing the game, but with so many options out there, it can be a son of a bitch to find the right one. Your dick has a right to be picky, and so do you. Since there isn’t a one-size-fits-all penis pump on the market yet, figuring out which one to use is probably the hardest part (besides your post-pumped stiffy).

Why Your Cock Wants You to Be Choosey

While the general functioning of most penis pumps is the same, not all devices are created equally. Depending on the components and manufacturing of each model, the overall comfort level and effectiveness will vary greatly between products. However, relying solely on customer reviews is not a good idea when shopping for the best pump. Some of those bastards lie, others are paid to praise, and the rest of the idiots wouldn’t know a good penis enlargement product if it fucked them in the face.

Your dick wants you to be choosey about the pump you pick because it knows the importance of quality. Without a little due diligence on your part, you could end up with a shoddy machine that does little more than make you uncomfortable. Considering most penis pumps require long-term wear and repetitive use, a good design goes a rather long way.

Understanding the basic features that constitute a high-end penis pump is important, but that’s only the first step. Many of the top competitors offer pumps that are quite similar in function and design, so it becomes imperative that you know how to sift through the bullshit. Below is a list of the main things you need to look for when shopping for your next dick stretcher.

The Main Features to Seek

Although using a penis pump can be embarrassing to some men, and despite the fact that many dudes want their device to be as attractive as possible, it’s important to keep in mind the bottom line: you want this son of bitch to do its job as advertised. Keep in mind that most penis pumps are designed to be worn discretely beneath your clothing, so the device’s appearance isn’t as important as you think. While some manufacturers will have you believe that their product is superior to others because it’s attractively made, don’t fall for the bullshit.

Realistically, the following features are what you need to look for when shopping around:

  • Efficacy

The way in which each penis pump works will be the prime factor that determines its worth. In other words: ineffective penis pumps aren’t worth the materials used to make them. Pay attention to the claims made by the manufacturer while lightly skimming the words of previous customers. Try to combine the two resources to determine the efficacy of the product, and it never hurts to do your own research. After all, you’re likely to end up spending hundreds of dollars on this thing. Don’t waste your money.

  • Intelligence of Design

Science has come a long way, which means penis pump designs have as well. State-of-the-art technology, scientifically proven growth techniques, and medical-grade materials are now being used in products like this all over the globe. Gone are the days of cheapness, thank fuck. Ergonomics and economics are often combined to create an efficiency that should render an intelligently crafted pump. If not, throw that shit in the trash.

  • Size Capacity

No matter what a stripper tells you, size matters. After all, that’s why you’re interested in penis pumps to begin with. The mass of your family jewels needs to fit snugly inside the device you choose, but all penis pumps vary in size. Some can accommodate large penises while the majority of them are made specifically for men whose junk is less than enormous. For guys who have small to medium sized dicks, finding a good pump is pretty easy. However, dudes with horse cocks might have to do some shopping around.

  • Durability

Why spend money on something if it’s just going to break after a few uses? Malfunctions are a pain in the dick, especially when you’ve paid good money for that not to happen. While a lot of the modern-day penis pumps on the market come with manufacturer’s warranties, that’s not always the case. Still, a truly well-made product won’t need a warranty because it will continually kick ass no matter how many times it’s used. Look for pumps made from silicone, stainless steel, or polypropylene to get the most bang for your buck.

  • Material

As mentioned, a good penis pump will be made from high-grade materials. However, the quality of the materials used won’t matter if you’re allergic to something. Although many penis pump manufacturers use hypoallergenic materials, some are comprised of potentially irritating stuff like latex or phthalates. Check the box to be sure you’re not about to cram your no-no parts into something that will give you a rash because that shit is embarrassing. Remember, most penis pumps are designed to be worn for long periods of time, so dudes with sensitive skin need to pay especially close attention to this.

  • Discretionary Design

Considering the long-term wear requirement of the average pump, finding something that is discrete becomes the upmost importance. Unless you feel like sitting in your house alone until the final results are achieved, try to find a pump that’s designed in such a way that it allows you to wear it secretly beneath loose fitting clothes. Furthermore, go for a product with a carrying case or storage unit for when you’re not wearing it. You wouldn’t want your kids thinking it’s a toy.

  • User Friendliness

You’ll find that some of the most popular penis pumps on the market are difficult to use and even harder to assemble. Instructions or not, some of these bastards are downright impossible to strap into without a degree in engineering. My advice: keep it simple, stupid. You don’t need a NASA-inspired penis pump to get the job done, and you shouldn’t have to study blueprints to get it on or off your crotch. Yes, some of the more complex designs have extra features that might be appealing to some, but that’s still not a good excuse for unnecessary complications.

  • Appearance

Considering the fact that very few people are going to see the penis pump you’re using, the appearance of the contraption isn’t very important at all unless you’re a vain son of a bitch with nothing better to worry about. While some of the hottest products are made to look sleek and sexy, that honestly doesn’t matter at all. An ugly penis pump can sometimes do a better job than a pretty one, but the same can be said about the person you’re fucking. Choose wisely and remember not to judge a book by its cover.

  • Price

Last, but not least, is the cost consideration. Being as many of the penis pumps out there (especially the ones on this list) are reasonably priced, you may have to do some comparisons to find the one that’s right for you. Competitiveness is a market force that keeps prices down, but remember that you often get what you pay for. Inexpensive penis pumps might be appealing at first, but higher-end options may wind up being your best bet. Don’t be a cheapskate when it comes to this shit or you’ll be sorry.

Narrow down your search by comparing these features, but don’t spend too much time on it. After a while, they all start to look the same. Trust your instincts and go with the one that seems right for you.

The Top 5 Picks for Your Delicate Dicks

No matter where you go and despite what you’re trying to buy, there will always be items that outperform the others. When it comes to today’s best penis pumps, there is certainly a distinction between the winners and the losers. The best products seem to naturally rise to the top, forming the cream of the cockish crop. However, unless you know about those pumps, you’re likely to fall for false or misleading advertising. Fuck that noise.

And since you can exactly walk up to someone and ask what the best penis pump on the market is, having a bit of a guideline will be more help than you realize. While opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one, professional insights can be used wisely to discover the best option. Among the many penis pumps being marketed today, the following 5 are the ones you should pay the most attention to:

*NOTE: The following devices are not in any particular order.

1. PENOMET

This bad boy makes it on the list because of its extremely rapid ability to increase penis size with the least amount of effort. In fact, users of the Penomet can see immediate penile growth in as little as 15 minutes. The designers have also made this thing perfect for those who want to increase their sexual stamina by decreasing and preventing premature ejaculation. More that just a penis pump, this marvelous machine is made from polycarbonate plastic and is typically hypoallergenic and safe to use for men with sensitive skin. It works wonders when used together with the sizegenetics system.

2. FLESHPUMP

Made by the famous Fleshlight brand, the Fleshpump features an electric vacuum mechanism that works using a rechargeable battery via a standard USB cable. Its powerful traction can be easily controlled with the quick release safety valve as well, just in case shit gets a little too intense for you. Designed using a see-through cylinder, it’s ideal for voyeuristic dudes who enjoy watching the action as it happens.

3. BATHMATE HYDROPUMP SERIES

The Bathmate Hydropump Series is a terrific option for penis pump newbies. As with all devices on the list, this one also has the power to quickly increase the size and girth of the user’s penis with a quickness, although its effects aren’t quite as fast as the others. Either way, this series is very well made and even comes with a limited 2-year warranty and an effectiveness guarantee. In other words: if this shit doesn’t do what it’s supposed to, you can get a full refund with no questions asked. And since it doesn’t require electricity or batteries, it can be used by almost anyone whether at home or on the go.

4. HYDROMAX X-SERIES

Known for its ability to produce incredibly improved erections, the Hydromax X-Series takes no prisoners. Guaranteed to drastically increase the length and thickness of your dick, it’s completely safe to use for newbies and experts alike. The Hydromax name is well-known in the penis pump industry and there’s a good reason for that. The overall design is super simple to use, the results are guaranteed, and if it doesn’t work you’ll get your money back. Fuck yeah!

5. HYDROMAX XTREME

Perhaps the swankiest-looking penis pump on the list, this bastard is ultra-powerful and perfect for advanced users. It features a convenient handball pump bulb and can accommodate rather large cocks unlike some of its competitors. Not the most expensive unit on the market, it still leaves the competition shaking it is boots due to its solid design, perfected mechanisms, and comfort level. It also comes with a limited 2-year warranty from the manufacturer and full refund is given to those who aren’t impressed.

Nearly all the penis pumps featured in this guide can handle heavy-duty dicks, although the Fleshpump and Penomet are more suitable for slightly smaller wads. And while the listed products are certainly not the only worthy penis pumps on the market, they are (in my opinion) the best of the best for reasons that should have been made clear in the descriptions.

The Bottom Line

Now that you have an idea as to where the good stuff can be found, it’s time to make a commitment to yourself and your family jewels.penis pump ratings You do not have to settle for what you were born with. Modern science has come a long way, developing troves of pain-free methods to extend and thicken your penis lickity-split. You’ve got to stop making excuses and get with the program.

Whether you’re regularly getting laid or not isn’t important. A good penis pump that can improve stamina and performance is useful when you fuck your favorite toys as well. Imagine how much better things will be when you can hump and pump like a professional. The only thing that stands between you and an awesome crotch is that credit card you’re hoarding. Time to let it go, you cheap bastards.

Penis Pump Tips and Tricks

Regardless of what you buy, your experience with it will be determined by how you use it. Since each model on the list is different, it’s important that you utilize the following tips and tricks to get the most out of your chosen penis pump. Check this out:

  • Clean your pump thoroughly after every use to prevent it from becoming a nasty ass capsule full of your own ball sweat and dick skin.
  • Follow the instructions carefully to avoid pain, discomfort, or device malfunction.
  • Register your device (if possible) to take advantage of the warranties it comes with.
  • Use your penis pump regularly to benefit from it the most.
  • Slap on a little lube before you slide inside so there’s no chaffing or difficulty removing your junk.
  • Never share your penis pump with someone else, even if they’re your lover or have an embarrassingly tiny package.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Despite the fact that John James is quite the character, there is one thing he has in common with everyone else: he likes a high quality sex toy just as much as the next guy.
Noticing that there were no legitimate websites out there reviewing all the amazing synthetic vaginas on the market, John James set out to do something about it. After all, it is painfully obvious that today’s men really need to know more about their options.