The future is now motherfuckers, so it’s time to hop aboard before the train leaves the station. While some people are huddled in a dark basement crafting their own sex toys, you’ll be enjoying the best shit on the market because you’re not a crazy cheap ass. Who’s the fool now, money saving perverts? Didn’t you know that the DIY crowd has never been welcome at the cool kids’ table?
Okay, so we’re being pretty hard on the do-it-yourselfers. Those toys can be kind of cool sometimes, but in all fairness that shit is pretty lame when compared to the high-tech gadgets being introduced to the 2018 market at lightning speed. Forget cancer research or space exploration; apparently, some of the best minds in the world are working tirelessly to help men like us get the best nut we possibly can. And you thought futuristic science geeks weren’t sexy.
Now, we aren’t exactly saying that the fuck toys on this list are all “clinically tested for effectiveness” or that they have ever even seen the inside of a lab for that matter. What we’re saying is simple: the mechanisms, materials, ergonomics, and overall design of the toys that follow are all backed by diligent studies that had the sole purpose of providing the penis with perfect playtime. Now we wish we would have paid more attention in school.
Expertly made sex toys for men are hard to come by unless you do your homework, and we’re not big fans of that shit. So, once we discover a dick pleaser that doesn’t disappoint, it quickly goes on the list. Most sex toys are a dime a dozen, but not these sons of bitches. We’re not even kidding when we say that the following 10 toys are far superior to their DIY counterparts in erotic effectiveness, convenience, ease of care, and (of course) awesomeness (in no particular order):
If you are a self-proclaimed lazy fuck with a healthy sexual appetite, then the Fleshlight Launch should be right up your alley. Its smooth and satisfying operating system requires hardly any energy on your part, aside from the inevitable post-nut cleanup routine. But even that is made super simple by the combined minds behind its design – the famous Fleshlight and the up-and-coming Kiiroo.
Together, these two sexually deviant manufacturers have given the world of men a new option – taking masturbation where it’s never been before. The manly machine is large and in charge for sure, but secrecy isn’t really a concern when the opportunity arises to use a high-tech piece of ass like this. Swap out your favorite Fleshlight model in an instant to enjoy hours of pleasure with each charge.
OUR RATING: Not exactly discrete, but well worth the heat.
BEST FEATURE: Access to free online content such as sexy games, arousing videos, steamy webcam sessions, and FeelMe.com experiences via Bluetooth.
Engineered by Germans but loved by people all over the world, the SayberX is one of the most popular handheld masturbators on the market this year. Its unique design features a motion activated ring that makes long-distance couples play a motherfucking blast. It puts the Y in PARTY in more ways than one, namely with its patented SayberSkin material that gives the Fleshlight’s SuperSkin shit a run for its money.
Furthermore, this exclusive toy works with a free-to-download app that can be used anywhere on the planet. Originally a brazen start-up idea, this is one of the only sex toys in the industry that has “American Dream” written all over it. Although its reputation isn’t quite up to par with some of the bigger names, this bad boy is taking “New Kid on the Block” to a whole new level.
OUR RATING: It’s well-made casing is a beacon of its superb craftsmanship. One of the sturdiest toys we’ve ever reviewed, the SayberX is well worth the investment.
BEST FEATURE: It has 5 different speed settings and 2 adjustable size options, so it’s a good fit for almost anyone who dares try something new.
Don’t get us started on how much we love a no-strings-attached blowjob. Add a variable cornucopia of internal sleeve textures with which to customize the experience and we are so on board we might as well go down with the ship. Loyal fans of the AutoBlow 2, we are, and there are a lot of good reasons why.
This automatic robotic mouth is a mainstay on the modern market. It features two textured rings that slide up and down the shaft of your penis, gently producing a sucking sensation at the same time. It requires absolutely no manual interaction whatsoever – for the laziest sexual gluttons among us. And best of all, it’s a reproduction of the original AutoBlow that was so fucking fantastic it sold out repeatedly. Pack your mate’s bags, gentlemen. BJs just came without a gag reflex.
OUR RATING: Moderately priced for the quality, there is no need for batteries and the mechanism is super tough considering how much wear and tear it takes.
BEST FEATURE: The textured sleeves can be interchanged at will to suit your picky dick’s opinion.
This monstrosity made it onto the 2018 Top Toys list only because of its unique power to complete change the way you have sex. While it’s not a “toy” per say, it’s two-decade-long service to men has earned it this position. As a well-made and highly effective penis enlargement tool, the SizeGenetics system uses state-of-the-art traction technology to elongate the game in several ways.
Manufacturers of the system brag that their creation can provide a 20-30% increase in penis size when used as directed. Our team saw similar results and so much more. This unique product helped up improve our performance in the bedroom, thereby rendering some of our beloved sex toys useless. While everyone’s experience is likely to vary, we can’t say this thing belongs anywhere else but in our top 10.
OUR RATING: Being as the SizeGenetics system can accommodate any size penis, we’re not quite sure why every man doesn’t receive one of them as a gift at their high school graduation.
BEST FEATURE: The ergonomics of this contraption are on point, meaning it can be worn for extended timespans without too much discomfort.
The Kiiroo Onyx is made by the same company responsible for the one-of-a-kind “Launch,” which graced our list as number one (not on purpose, but still). This Onyx is a similarly fascinating toy in that it can be used by teams, couples, or solo artists, depending on who gets to it first. The lightweight design is what makes it most appealing, at least when compared to the heavy-duty toys lumbering around the market these days.
Convenient weight distribution is not the only thing the Onyx has going for it though. It serves as a hands-free device and is completely wireless. On a single charge of the powerful battery, it can run for hours, and it hums like a dream with no excessive buzzing noise. Neat and discrete, this toy is highly rated because of its ability to stimulate long-distance relationships with the touch of a button – no apps required.
OUR RATING: By far not the most affordable toy on our list, but it’s well worth its lofty price tag because of its compatibility with other Kiiroo toys (namely another Onyx or the Kiiroo Pearl).
BEST FEATURE: Not only can the Onxy be hooked up to live video feeds and Oculus Rift, it grants owners access to famous porn star webcams and has numerous masturbatory modes for each person using it.
After all these automatic dick suckers have had their turn, there are still the traditional masturbators that run on good old fashioned manual power – nothing wrong with that. The Fleshlight brand is notorious for cranking out high-end cock swallowers, and the Turbo model is no exception. With a terrific weight distribution that decreases fatigue, this bad mamma-jamma is no joke.
It features the Fleshlight brand’s famous SuperSkin material as one would expect, only the sleeve of the Turbo is such that it damn near forces your balls to empty in a hurry (hence the name). Great for stamina practice and sensual solo missions, the Turbo comes in two models, each with its own unique sleeve lining: The Thrust and the Ignition. Gentlemen, we think it’s time to start your engines.
OUR RATING: The solid manufacturing is one of the best things about the Fleshlight brand. We aren’t ashamed to say that this toy retains a permanent place in our “just in case” arsenal.
BEST FEATURE: The wizard-like weight distribution is probably the best part, considering some people are immediately turned off my manual masturbators because of their bulkiness.
Sturdy and effective, the Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit certainly lives up to its name. The hyper-intense sleeve texture is responsible for raping your cock with every stroke, practically stealing your jizz in minutes regardless of your sexual prowess. Made in the good ole U.S. of A., this popular sex toy takes an almost medical approach to improving your bedroom technique. It’s like having western medicine for your cock and balls, and that’s not a raw deal at all.
Now, the Fleshlight STU is not a hands-free model, so don’t get it twisted. You will have to put in some work to enjoy its potent practicality. However, the sleeve’s superbly textured lining is designed to make your work day short and sweet. Knock one out of the park before the game starts and watch yourself become king of the ring. We don’t suggest using this if you have heart problems though, because it will elevate your blood pressure (in the best way possible, of course).
OUR RATING: We don’t get into sex toys that don’t pull their own weight, so the Fleshlight STU had to bring the thunder to capture our attention. Promise a righteous nut and you better deliver. This thing did, and then some.
BEST FEATURE: The SuperSkin sleeve’s texture is unlike anything we’ve ever encountered – real scientific shit right there. We would have loved to be a part of the product testing team for sure.
Like watching the action when the action is taking place? Yeah, we do too, which is why we just had to add the Fleshlight Ice to our top 10 sex toys list of 2018. Not only has this fuck wand sold millions of units so far, but it doesn’t look as though the world has had enough of it quite yet. Still one of the most sought-after manual masturbators of all time, this voyeuristic love stick is a definitely sight for sore eyes.
Made out of that beloved SuperSkin material that Fleshlight fans have come to know and love, the clear plastic sleeve and casing make it an onlooker’s delight. Short, stout, and to the point, this toy is remarkable in that it provides a seriously sensual stroke and a super easy clean-up. Open on the end for expert expulsion, you won’t miss a bet with the Fleshlight Ice.
OUR RATING: Certainly a show stopper, this manual masturbator is as unique as the sensations it delivers with every painstaking stroke.
BEST FEATURE: As one of the most lightweight and versatile toys to come out of the Fleshlight lineup, the Ice is cool, calm, collected, and a lot more discrete that it full-size counterparts.
Like we said before, a good penis enlargement system can work wonders for the conscientious user’s bedroom prowess, rendering certain “training units” and “cock rings” damn near obsolete. The Penomet is one of those systems – a rigorous regimen for your unwilling and unattractive cock, squaring anxious men away one pump at a time. Sometimes used by dudes with peyronies disease, this quaint contraption collection is still comprised of medical-grade materials and designed with sexy scientific principals in mind.
Made using a number of heavy-duty polycarbonate plastics and high-grade silicone, this product earns every bit of its trusted reputation. Best of all, it’s not as expensive as some might expect for such an effective and popular system. Available in various sizes – sort of like a step-up process for cocks – the Penomet is one of our favorite go-to penis enlargement systems for a good reason.
OUR RATING: Somewhat less high-tech than the SizeGenetics system, the Penomet is still a terrific choice for budget-conscious men or for guys who like to take a trendier (and more attractive) approach to dick enhancement.
BEST FEATURE: It comes with a lifetime warranty (as if you’re need it after all the well-appointed design decisions), not to mention it’s mighty comfortable to wear considering what it is.
Last but certainly not least is the infamous Cobra Libre II, by far the best corona stimulation machine on the market. With or without a partner, this bad boy slithers and coils around the head of your penis like a snake, winding and grinding until it achieves success. Virtually weightless, durably made, and completely wireless, this high-grade sex toy is one of the most popular products on the market today.
Ideal for couple’s play, solo acts, or group activities, the Cobra Libre II can be enjoyed for hours with a single charge of the high-power battery that lies inside its sci-fi-inspired casing. Masculine and marvelous, this heavy hitter can either be used to get the party started or it can function as the party itself.
OUR RATING: Being as its one of the only sex toys to focus mainly on stimulating the head of the penis, we’re big fans of the Cobra Libre II.
BEST FEATURE: It has numerous speed and vibratory pattern functions which are designed to tantalize even the pickiest of dicks.
The 2018 BONUS TOYS
You really didn’t believe we had only 10 toys to recommend, did you? This is 2018; get with the times. There are literally thousands of sex toys for men out there, so naming only 10 was kind of difficult. Although the aforementioned list is comprised of our favorites, here are a few more tasty tidbits for that overzealous ass:
Ready to take this shit to a whole new level? The ever-popular Fleshlight brand has teamed up with the industry’s hottest porn stars to help you do just that. Thanks to some good old-fashioned artistry and a little handy-dandy craftsmanship, the Fleshlight Girls lineup consists of various molded twat replicas of your favorite broads.
This shit is perfect to use alongside the brand’s exclusive video and audio content. And the unique sleeve texture is matched perfectly with the porn star’s unique pussy walls (each sold separately). With this shit, you can easily fuck your face off in the comfort of your own home. Slip yours into the Fleshlight Launch and smash your pick of the litter in real-time.
OUR RATING: If you’re looking to add a little realism to your sexy time, this is the way to go. If not, you truly don’t know what you’re missing.
BEST FEATURE: The vaginal walls and labial opening on the Fleshlight Girls masturbators look and feel so realistic that we couldn’t help but wonder where the rest of her was.
More like a less high-end version of a Fleshlight manual masturbator, the FleshJack is still a terrific choice for men who want to spice things up in the bedroom (either with a partner or all alone). Featuring a hyper-realistic flesh-like material and designed to look just as inconspicuous as its competition, this little number is a sound investment for those who want to play the field a bit.
There are no mechanically moved parts, no batteries, and no charging ports, but this thing is amazingly simple to clean and care for, not to mention super sexy despite its semi-popular nomenclature. Originally introduced to the gay community, the FleshJack has now become a mainstay in hetero households across the world.
OUR RATING: It’s not a bad toy for the price, especially considering how similar it is to more expensive models when you close your eyes.
BEST FEATURE: The toy’s patented skin-like material is almost more appealing than SayberSkin and SuperSkin combined.
Trying to bust a nut with your partner on the run? There’s an app for that. The Lovesense Max is a patent-pending blowjob machine that can be controlled with the touch of a button. Complete with air vents for customized suction control, this tiny dancer is cute and compact (but don’t let that fool you). With a fully rechargeable battery and Bluetooth compatibility, remote romance is a potent possibility.
We don’t suggest using this son of a bitch by yourself; there are too many amazing features to keep it a secret. Although your mate has to have their own LoveSense Max (or Nora) to enjoy the fruits of the toy’s labor, the price is such that it’s affordable for almost any budget. Your argument is invalid.
OUR RATING: We’re big fans of high-tech, remote-controlled, couples play. Nuff said.
BEST FEATURE: The Bluetooth connectivity is super strong when done correctly, and the battery life keeps things going hot and heavy for hours on end.